The New Mahogany Valet
My Dear Chap,
Ye gods man, a one piece yoke. I was unaware that such abhorrations even existed outside the countries where men take surnames for christians. And low cut tasselled nubucks, without even the decency to be truly light in them no doubt? It all goes to prove the old adage about Italians and bread, to wit; you can make soldiers out of a piece of bread.
To keep the oily haired masses in their place M and I are planning to take the Tour in September. One of the last of our number to escape is finally taking the long walk up the aisle and to hide his shame is doing it in Amalfi. I intend to find a perch on the rocks and patronise the entire country, righteous in my indignation at their sartorial self-abuse.
This past weekend was taken up in a quest for certain essentials, specifically a gentleman's wardrobe containing separate compartments for studs, collars, trousers, shirts &cet. Did you even know they made them without? Beggars belief don't it? I found one which goes by the name 'The Valet' - I think you'll approve. This done, and rather well I might add, we set off to inspect some little runarounds for M. She has her heart set on a 1968 Mercedes convertible. To counter I shall have to step up the campaign to secure one of Coventry's finest, it may not match the one I have in a lock-up in Bournemouth, but anything's better than one from the Chippy-Bombers.
I have deciphered the strange initials of your current employer. From your last communication I turned to the Guardian and read an article on the new Amnesty campaign. More power to your organ I say. Incidentally, how where and when can you come to us over here in the boonies? I trust you won't keep us waiting too long.
And so I trudge on my merry way. I might mention that while in Hong Kong I partook of the local tailoring and am now the proud owner of a hand-made lilac spread collar made from Anderson's finest. I had the chap extend the cuff just a fraction, I suppose it was the tropical heat, but I can't pretend it doesn't inspire a certain rakish aplomb.
Over and Out,
And remember; there is never a time when trousers do not matter.
Yours with eyebrow raised,
S (and M in absentia)