Gentlemanliness and criminality
Dear Boy,
One of your recent letters - the one where your esteemed pater, albeit momentarily, had his collar felt by the Babylon - has caused me to retire to my library in quiet contemplation. What is exercising the grey matter is the relationship between gentlemanliness and criminality past and present.
It is true that you and I benefitted from an education of Victorian rigour with the declared purpose of saving the brightest of the lower orders from the temptations of drink, crime and armed uprising. Grammar schools naturally maintained the very strictest of attitudes to laxity in morals and constantly exhorted us to emulate the rectitude of our Victorian forbears.
I think it was around the fifth form that burgeoning social awareness led us to realise that noble birth and an expensive education never prevented anyone from committing crime, only from being punished.
In short, a gentleman's honesty seemed restricted to the playing field (except when playing croquet or golf) and in any other sphere he was sharper than a crack-fuelled weasel in a barrel of kittens
Maybe we were children of Thatcherism - a philosophy which, through its unquestioning belief in market forces and supposed classless worship of financial success allowed any successful petit bourgeois to claim a kind of aristocracy - which actually revealled the entire aristocracy to be immoral, money-grubbing, petit bourgeois.
I have decided, therefore, on a new course of action. Our adherence to a strict code of honour has hitherto served us well. We have resolved to be as honest as Bertie Wooster and - largely because we don't know when boat race night is and because knocking off a policeman's helmet these days involves holding him down while you get under the visor, remove the gasmask and undo the chinstrap - we have succeeded.
It is time, I believe, we upped our game. I propose, therefore, that we become gentleman thieves and have purchased a book on the subject. The Victorian Underworld by Donald Thomas is currently winging its way to you via the good offices of Messrs. Amazon.
It appears that Victorian London was home to an elite band of thieves who dressed and acted as gentlefolk the better to rip them off. The men dressed in the highest style (brocade waistcoats, high boots, tight cut coats with cosh pockets and elaborate watch chains are mentioned) and they were accompanied by beautiful women, no less handsome or criminally adept than themselves. Do you see where I'm going here?
They were called the Swell Mob and would have struck terror into the hearts of the ordinary populace if they'd known they were there. By the time most marks realised they'd been robbed they could only remember that the perp had been 'extraordinarily finely dressed and well mannered' or simply exceptionally good looking. Violence was rarely necessary, cunning, wit and brazenness was all.
We were born for this, dear boy. It's got us written all over it. So we have the clothes and the partners ('Dollymop' is the authentic term). All that's left is the equipment. As you'll see from the accompanying cut...
... Mr Thomas recommends , at the very least, the following.
A Little Alderman or sectional jemmy
An American brace or drill
A rimmer
A dark lantern
An oil can
A can of gunpowder
"The whole to be conveyanced in a handbag"
A brief perusal of the web has revealed that the American brace has been superceded by this DeWalt DW983K-2 Heavy Duty Cordless Drill with chrome/vanadium hi-speed twist bits - almost silent in operation and very effective. (According to my researches you go through the centre of the 'Y' in 'Yale' with a 3mm and the pins drop out).
Dark lanterns are a bugger to find these days and can't be adapted to emissions standards in some states. I reckon a couple of these Bushnell 26-1020 Nightvision rigs should suit.
I wondered if we might replace the harness with those rather fetching brocades from Thurston's Braces.
Obviously gunpowder won't be a problem if you have a WalMart nearby - apparently you'll find it between the kids toys and the clusterbombs - which just leaves the Little Alderman.
I confess this had me rather stumped until queried Messrs. Google and found this.
So now we're fully tooled up, where first, Bunny? The Bank of England or the Crown Jewels?
Hey Ho
T