Two Chaps Talking

Mon vieux,

'Tis a dark and stormy night right enough. Dark clouds hang around the
temples of mammon and rain lashes the teeming populace. Our hero steps
blithely from the boite and flicks up the collar of his greatcoat. Outside
of a naughty claret, a cheeky Bordeaux and a rather spectacular Calvados
he is unassailable by man or beast. But what's this? A chill in the air?
Brass monkeys? Thoroughly perishin' indeed.

Time perhaps for the addition of a new charcoal flannel to the stable?
Mmm, something slim and upright with perhaps an angled flap here and a
scarlet lining there. Cosh pocket bien sur and double vents naturalement.
But with our chaps having packed up a couple of centuries ago to whom
can a chap turn for the necessaries?

Mick Jagger used to fly his hairdresser over from Albion whenever his
barnet needed sorting. Some have asked why I don't do the same with my
tailor. After all who in their right mind could resist leaving Bethnal
Green for a weekend in New York? Fair enough, until one factors in helpful
advice from She Who Must Be Obeyed. It was pointed out to me that airline
tickets add considerably to the cost of one's worsteds and as such are
vetoed.

Thus began my quest for a tailor of the domestic persuasion.

Now it is well known that the nearest an American suit should ever get
to an Englishman's backside is in the stuffing of a cushion. Harsh I know,
but no less true for all that. On the other hand one of the particularly
pleasant aspects of the town I choose to call home is the multitude of
nations here represented. It's one of the reasons why the rest of America
dislikes us. And we them.

Anyway with the myriad chaps from around the globe I eventually came
across a gentleman called Hector Borrasco who gave all the right signs
of being able to make me a decent suit. I gave him the once over, which
I will come to, and decided he was the man for the job.

One of the benefits of having laboured under the lash of the fickle mistress
is a phone book jam-packed with chaps who can furnish one with acres of
Super 150's and the like at the drop of a hat. Thus I repaired to the
residence, there to summon the world's finest fabrics for my perusal.

After wrapping myself in various lengths of Biellese flannel and raising
a glass of the green faerie to check for glare I settled upon just the
charcoal worsted I was after. I added the requisite scarlet lining and
rang Senor B to arrange the afternoon's chat. Having only a passing association
with the Queen's English I assumed he understood, and so with the Mem
in tow I trekked Downtown to his lair.

Dreaming of the hand-stitched pocket flaps and lapels that I would soon
be sporting I rang the bell and entered his admittedly not entirely plush
establishment.

'Hello,' I said to the swarthy chap who greeted me. 'I am here to see
Senor Borrasco.'

'He no here.'

A mix up in the timing perhaps. Not altogether unexpected given his passing
assoc with HM's E.

'When will he be back?' I asked.

'Two month. He in Peru,' he added helpfully.

'Ah right.'

The Boss gave me the usual 'you idiot' look.

'Err, I rang you an hour ago and told you I was coming down.'

The chap smiled at me as if to say 'what can you do?'

And indeed what can you do?

We withdrew.

I relate this fairly mundane experience, old thing, to show the perils
of finding a worthy subject to measure your inside leg. In the spirit
of enlightening the masses I thought I'd run these guidelines by you.

Bespoke Suits, The Acquisition of. An Occasional Series.

It was Milton who said 'Until their Lord himself bespake, and told them
go'. He may or may not have been talking about his tailor. Who knows?
Nonetheless the term bespoke has come to refer to this small band of men.

Literally meaning 'to be spoken of' the term implies that one hears of
a tailor by word of mouth and not through anything so tawdry as advertising
or garish signs above shops. This is important as the right tailor is
found through a chap's pals, those whom he trusts and respects. If a chap's
pals don't know of a good tailor then he should ask himself if he is really
moving in the right circles.

When a likely candidate is suggested some homework should be done. The
tailor's

address is key. If it's on a busy highway, even one noted for fine clothing,
then a chap can expect to have half his net worth removed from his wallet
and be surrounded by bloody American tourists, gakked-up record business
executives and ghastly SH members with wet feet.

Equally, if the address is quiet and posh then a chap may be sure that
his hard-earned will be going first to the landlord, then the decorator,
then the florist &cet. Only when they've all had their snouts in the
trough will a chap's lucre find its way to the artisans who actually make
the suit. To avoid this he should aim for the kind of address where he
can be reasonably sure he won't get murdered outside, but only just. Bethnal
Green for example.

Tailors need only a rudimentary grasp of the Queen's English. They know
what they're doing and don't need telling, so conversation is largely
unnecessary. Furthermore they can be from any country in the world, with
the obvious exception of America.

They will not have showy names that one's heard of, say through sleb
endorsements. They certainly do not have names that would appear on a
label inside the garment. A chap's own name is the only one that should
appear inside his suit, for personal identification when he's become tired
and emotional, or simply because he's forgotten it.

Once a likely suspect has been identified we come to the day of the visit.

Preparation.

A chap should wear his very best clothes. This rule actually applies all
the time for every occasion, but never more so than for his first visit
to a tailor. It's like a first date. Indeed the relationship between a
gentleman and his tailor is somewhere between marriage and a game of chess,
always assuming there is any difference between them. With luck he will
be with his tailor until he wears his final suit and his Boss is wearing
her black veil and choosing which of her 'personal pilates instructors'
will get the newly vacated position.

So best clothes, clean shaven and best pants; the 'in case you get run
over by a bus' theory.

Arrival.

Arrive exactly two minutes late. To be early would be too keen and to
arrive any later than two minutes is disrespectful. The two minutes give
the tailor a chance to take the weight off and perhaps have a sip of his
tea.

Conversation.

Don't ask about his other clients, they are none of your business and
if he were to tell you he would be no tailor. If he boasts about other
clients, or indeed mentions them at all, then leave at once. He is the
wrong tailor for you.

Swatches and Styles.

You are the customer and you should have a good idea about what you want.
However he is the expert and he should know what will suit you. Pay careful
attention to whatever he shows you. He is testing you as much as you are
testing him. There is much to learn about being a bespoke customer.

Differences of Opinion.

If he raises his eyebrow even a fraction then you have erred. That is
all he need do. Take careful note and don't ask again. If you don't pick
up on it then you may find he has no room in his fitting timetable for
your next suit. The message of 'Would sir care to have the vent just that
eighth of one inch longer for sir's powerful manly hips?' is clear.

The Next Fitting.

Bespoke suits cannot be rushed, nor should they be. The process should
be savoured as much as the end product. Your tailor will tell you when
it is appropriate to return. Pleading Royal Wedding engagements in a pathetic
attempt to rush him will see you tailor-less.

The Post Fitting Glow.

Just like a first date you have to feel your way and if all goes well
you will emerge from his shop a new man, long before you actually get
the suit. As time progresses your tailor will learn what you like, cosh
pockets and the like, and your relationship will develop without any need
for conversation. This is close to nirvana and is the reason gentlemen
do not bandy the name of their tailor.

Danger Signs.

Always be on the lookout for fakirs and parvenus, any slips on the part
of the tailor and you should terminate the relationship immediately.

If all goes well be especially careful who you tell, and who they might
then tell, remember it is an exclusive and very private club and you are
responsible for those you nominate.

Finally.

It is said that no gentleman pays his tailor. That was before a good tailor
became such a rare commodity. If you don't pay him he won't make you any
more suits and you will be damned to off-the-peg ignominy. Think about
it.

Having said all that I followed these rules as far as I could and he slipped
off to bloody Peru. At least I hadn't paid him.

Yours on the lookout,

S