Imagine the wrestler Giant Haystacks being put in charge of Disneyland and pronouncing the name of the place Duz-Ner-Lund.
Money grabbing right wing fools on the West Coast of America have chosen as their leader a barely literate sexual molester with his 'brains' in his biceps. Similar to the Idiot-in-Chief but with muscles.
'I'll be back,' you managed to say.
Well we sincerely hope you won't.
A tangy relish ideal for use as a garnish on all cold roast meats, pies and sausages.
Should be kept on hand in the glove box for emergency game pie consumption.
http://www.fortnumandmason.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Fortnums.woa/wa/BFShoppingDirectAction/product?product=8473&menu=Shopping_Catalog
The queen's favourite grocer.
Also provides groceries for Her Majesty.
High tea at Fortnum's is an essential rite of passage.
For years starving ex-pats and reluctant ŽmigrŽs have relied on Fortnum's to send life saving supplies.
http://www.fortnumandmason.com
August 20th 1940 House of Commons
Never in the field of human conflict
Has so much been owed
By so many
To so few.
Our 'friends' around the world, particularly in those countries that forgot to rush in at the kick-off (you know who you are), would do well to remember this from time to time.
[Don't see: Special Relationship. Because there isn't one]
A delightful trend begun by Ned Lud in Leicestershire at the beginning of the Industrial Revolution. When the introduction of a stocking frame threatened to take his job from him old Lud smashed it to bits and exhorted his pals to do the same.
Luddism flourished in Blighty from 1811-16.
Though similar in result to certain occasions when the Chaps may have smashed machinery in their own brief working tenures this is not thought to be Luddism per se.
More a case of lunching rather too well.
When was the last time you were offered an adjustable walking stick and encouraged to swagger up and down the length of an original Victorian shop to ascertain the correct length for your new umbrella? Founded in 1857 James Smith and Sons on New Oxford Street in London have been keeping English men and women dry and giving them something to lean on for generations.
They were one of the first companies to use the Fox frame, that is the wire frame that all umbrellas use, and they offer over seventy different types of wood. All this in a shop that has remained almost unchanged for 140 years.
Jealous of the bamboo handle on your lady friend's Gucci bag? Get a Whangee handled city umbrella and leave her in the shade, or indeed rain. Worried about having to fend off unwanted approaches? Get a solid English Apple wood umbrella that isn't only good for beating your way through bracken. Fancy the odd tipple and don't want to carry a flask? Keep it in your cane.
Whatever you do don't leave home without one, as it will rain, but the sun will come out tomorrow.
1 hefty shot of gin
1 (1/2 pint) bottle of Guinness
Ginger Beer
Kingsley Amis - 'Put the gin and Guinness into a pint sliver tankard and fill to the brim with ginger beer. I cannot vouch for the authenticity of the attribution, which I heard in talk, but the mixture will certainly revive you, or something. I should think two doses is the limit.'
O to move in such exalted circles.
Pronunciation: rem-'Š-"kŸ-"te-ti-'gis-tE
Etymology: Latin
You have touched the point with a needle : you have hit the nail on the head.
Soho House.
A private members club famous for soggy carpets, something called the 'Brit Pack' and freshly wiped toilet lids.
Of its three locations only one is actually in Soho, but that's probably not unrelated to what precedes the frantic and frequent wiping of the toilet lids.
The Gentlemen have not been asked to become members though they confidently expect to be thrown out one day.
An hilarious joke.
See also:
Question; What's the difference between a piece of bread and Italians?
Answer; You can make soldiers out of a piece of bread.
(International Translation Note: 'Soldiers' when made from bread are thin strips of buttered bread used for dipping into a boiled egg. Thus one's Mum would say 'Do you want a chucky egg and soldiers for your lunch?')
Apparently there is an Italian motor car company in a place called Modena that makes little red cars which go quite fast.
The people who drive them often have dark hair. Some wear sunglasses when the sun isn't out.
Since they are not Astons, Jaguars or Lotuses we need know no more about them.
Galloping over fields, hedges and bracken, or indeed when desiring to appear as if one has, a chap needs to look his best.
Not only that but it's never a bad thing in such circ.'s to be protected from scratchy thorns. Or indeed ladies' nails. Hence the thornproof, where the wool used to make the jacket is of such a tight and heavy construction that the jacket could conceivably be stood in a corner unaided.
That it bears a windowpane check is evidence of its being intended for the countryside where the rules on colour are more relaxed.
And if it wasn't fetching then a chap would hardly wear it would he?
Ordnance Survey is the official mapping agency of Great Britain.
First formed by order of George II in 1746 to help keep the rebellious Scots in order. They have been making the world's finest maps ever since.
They are particularly important during the various Unpleasantnesses that afflict our nation. During the Normandy landings for instance they provided around 120 million maps.
Not only that but they help enormously when a chap gets lost in the grounds of whatever country house he may or may not be visiting.
A glorious country house in Wiltshire now used as a private members club, sister to Soho House in London and New York.
First settled in the 12th Century it enjoys rolling grounds, classic architecture, luxurious period details and cutting edge technology to ensure guests have everything they could dream of.
Babbington House even offers professional hairdryers in guest's rooms.
Oh and a shed load of gakked-up Soho dickheads.
But then you can't have everything can you?
Words of Mass Deception issued by the jackals in charge of the Land of the Misled. Slavishly adhered to by Bush's man in London and disbelieved by anyone with half a brain.
The Chaps can remember when a bag of Salt and Vinegar Golden Wonder crisps used to cost two-and-a-half new pence.
Even at the age of three they didn't choke on them.
This made them over-qualified for politics apparently.
Note: not related to Golden Showers, whatever they are.
Lithe and beautiful nymph of the Tennis Club in Sir John Betjaman's poem.
'A Subaltern's Love Song'
Miss J. Hunter Dunn, Miss J. Hunter Dunn,
Furnish'd and burnish'd by Aldershot sun,
What strenuous singles we played after tea,
We in the tournament - you against me!
Love-thirty, love-forty, oh! weakness of joy,
The speed of a swallow, the grace of a boy,
With carefullest carelessness, gaily you won,
I am weak from your loveliness, Joan Hunter Dunn.
Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,
How mad I am, sad I am, glad that you won,
The warm-handled racket is back in its press,
But my shock-headed victor, she loves me no less.
Her father's euonymus shines as we walk,
And swing past the summer-house, buried in talk,
And cool the verandah that welcomes us in
To the six-o'clock news and a lime-juice and gin.
The scent of the conifers, sound of the bath,
The view from my bedroom of moss-dappled path,
As I struggle with double-end evening tie,
For we dance at the Golf Club, my victor and I.
On the floor of her bedroom lie blazer and shorts,
And the cream-coloured walls are be-trophied with sports,
And westering, questioning settles the sun,
On your low-leaded window, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.
The Hillman is waiting, the light's in the hall,
The pictures of Egypt are bright on the wall,
My sweet, I am standing beside the oak stair
And there on the landing's the light on your hair.
By roads "not adopted", by woodlanded ways,
She drove to the club in the late summer haze,
Into nine-o'clock Camberley, heavy with bells
And mushroomy, pine-woody, evergreen smells.
Miss Joan Hunter Dunn, Miss Joan Hunter Dunn,
I can hear from the car park the dance has begun,
Oh! Surrey twilight! importunate band!
Oh! strongly adorable tennis-girl's hand!
Around us are Rovers and Austins afar,
Above us the intimate roof of the car,
And here on my right is the girl of my choice,
With the tilt of her nose and the chime of her voice.
And the scent of her wrap, and the words never said,
And the ominous, ominous dancing ahead.
We sat in the car park till twenty to one
And now I'm engaged to Miss Joan Hunter Dunn.
Whitening paste used on cricket pads and gym shoes before they were designed to be discarded and replaced if soiled by actual sport.
Places devoutly to be avoided.
Nothing of any interest happens south of the river Thames or north of London's orbital motorway the M25.
One of the Chaps pays extra when flying across the United States to avoid crossing the Mid West and running the risk of a forced landing followed by being buggered by an itinerant one-eyed buck toothed redneck who'd then marry the Chap to his father and brother simultaneously even though the aforementioned is already married to them. Or something.
Belgians apparently but nonetheless purveyors of popular dance music.
These chaps have managed to combine crusty old school disco tunes with spanking new dance music thus making it possible for old gits like the Chaps to feel young and au courant
A website that offers spurious gossip about minor celebrities and pop stars who no doubt richly deserve it. Un-attributable and unproven the Chaps alas confess to having Ringpiece read it to them on occasion
People who can't read and don't like to know what's going on in the world need to have something in their hands to prevent them from abusing themselves.
Thus we have the Murdoch owned Screws and Currant (currant bun - sun).
Apparently before he got hold of them they were newspapers, but that was before our time so we can't confirm this.
That these rags have been used to wrap up fish suppers is an insult to cod and potatoes and profoundly to be regretted
In spite of the glorious game not being invented and the marauding masses of football hooligans from both sides of the border not yet having had a ruck the Roman Emperor Hadrian (76-138 AD) had the good sense to build a big wall across the entire United Kingdom separating Scotland and England.
It is idle speculation as to whether he was keeping them out or us in.
Abbreviated version of The trouble and strife
Cockney rhyming slang - rhyming with wife
AKA the Old Ball and Chain, the Memsahib, her indoors, the missus, she who must be obeyed &cet.
As performed by Hugh Laurie in 'Jeeves and Wooster' or originally by Jack Hylton and his orchestra
Now there's a good ship,
H.M.S. Cock-Robin.
On her home trip,
Up and down she's bobbin'
So the crew's pretty tough.
The weather's so rough.
They're all fed up and say
That they've had more than enough.
I've got a brother
He's an able seaman
And they call him Redhead Tom
I wire to say I'll meet you
And with your pals I'll treat you
So who do you think I've had a message from?
Forty-seven ginger-headed sailors
Coming home across the briney sea
When the anchor's weighed
And the jouney's made
Then they'll start the party
With a heave-ho, me-hearty
When there's Forty-seven ginger-headed sailors
You can bet you're going to hear them when they hail us
And as they step ashore
There'll be one mighty roar
For forty-seven ginger-headed sailors!
An old maid down in Devon
Said my idea of heaven
Is forty-seven ginger-headed sailors!
Pioneered by East End tailors the cosh pocket is built into a tailored suit or coat under the arm to enable the wearer to carry a cosh without it being apparent to the rozzers and without ruining the line of his suit.
A gentleman can spot the tell tale bulge at ten paces but does not hold it against the wearer, for fear he might get coshed.
Ne'er do wells who hang around in gangs and behave unsportingly.
Though their ire is predominantly directed at rivals the repercussions often affect the innocent and as such they are not Gentlemen.
Entirely unfamiliar with either the Queensbury rules or the Code Duello.
During the nineteen-eighties a trend sprang up which involved the wearing of silly clothes found in grandmother's attics. Eye make-up was worn and strange dances were performed wherever an audience could be found. Skirts were sometimes worn by men.
One of the Chaps fell under this spell, though he definitely did it only to meet attractive girls.
Honestly.
Used extensively by gangs in war-torn Somalia and particularly the capital Mogadishu.
Mad Max style customised Land Rovers and picks-ups with huge ack-ack guns mounted on the back. Some even featured the missile systems from Soviet MiGs, though if fired these would implode destroying everything in a hundred metre radius including the Technical.
Driven by 'Technical Advisers' who spent their time protecting journalists and charities.
Or killing them, depending on who they were hired by.
Pimp Roll - Heavy swagger including much swinging of shoulders and indication of having much 'downstairs'.
Ghetto Limp - the affecting of a minor limp to imply either a shooting accident (the other guy came off worse), or the carrying of a heavy weapon in one's trousers.
Tupac Bandanna - Mr Tupa Shakur was a famous rap star who was shot to death and thereafter became something of a martyr to his cause. Around his shaved head he wore a thin bandanna with the ends hanging down over one eye. Though comic to some it was not considered wise to tell him this, or indeed anyone else who wears one.
Everyone knows that all proper sports were invented in Blighty.
Boxing as we know it was formalised in 1867 by a set of rules devised by Sir John Sholto Douglas Marquis of Queensberry (1844-1900). These rules went on to be applied to gentlemen's fisticuffs conducted outside the ring, for instance you don't biff a chap when he's down. And you don't bite his ear either.
The Queensberry rules can also be applied to general behaviour not involving the exchanging of blows. For example; respect your opponent and once you've won go no further.
Consider the damage that could have been done in and out of the ring without the Marquis's excellent guidelines. Surely the Queensberry rules are a splendid thing and we should give thanks for the old Sir John.
Well we don't because he was a terrible bully and worse, he was the man who brought about the action that destroyed Oscar Wilde.
And we'd take Oscar over a thousand Queensberrys.
Uncle Pelfrey is an entirely fictitious character who occasionally stalks through T's writing. Created by his younger brother, he is an archetypal kiddie-diddler. By wriggling your fingers a bit like the child catcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and repeating the words 'Uncle Pelfrey' in a really creepy high voice you can reduce your siblings to squealing terror.
..."Paging Dr Freud"...
A form of gay/theatrical backslang traceable to the turn of the century. Made famous by Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick in the BBC radio series 'Round the Horne.
Polari has been the subject of much academic wrangling and seems to vary wildly according to the individual using it. There are, however, some words or phrases that seem generally agreed on...
ajax: nearby
basket: the bulge of male genitals through clothes
batts: shoes
bijou: small
bod: body
bold: daring
bona: good
butch: masculine
camp: effeminate
capello: hat
carts/cartso: penis
chicken: young boy
charper: search
cod: naff, vile
cottage: public lavatory
cottaging: having or looking for sex in a cottage
crimper: hairdresser
dish: an attractive male; buttocks
dizzy: scatterbrained
dolly: pretty, nice, pleasant
drag: clothes, esp. women's clothes
eek: face
ends: hair
esong: nose
fantabulosa: wonderful
feele: child
fruit: queen
gelt: money
handbag: money
hoofer: dancer
jarry: food, also mangarie
kaffies: trousers
khazi: toilet
lallies: legs
latty: room, house or flat
lills: hands
lilly: police (Lilly Law)
luppers: fingers
mangarie: food, also jarry
measures: money
meese: plain, ugly
mince: walk (affectedly)
naff: bad, drab
nanti: not, no
national handbag: dole
nishta: nothing, no
oglefakes: glasses
ogles: eyes
oomska: scum, filth
omi: man
omi-polone: effeminate man, or homosexual
onk: nose
orbs: eyes
palare pipe: telephone
palliass: back (as in part of body)
park: give
plate: to fellate
polari: chat, talk
polone: woman
pots: teeth
riah: hair
riah shusher: hairdresser
scarper: to run off
scotch: leg
sharpy: policeman
shush: steal
shush bag: holdall
shyker/shyckle: wig
slap: makeup
strillers: piano
thews: thighs
trade: sex
troll: to walk about (esp. looking for trade)
vada/varda: see/look
willets: breasts
Some users have managed to elevate it to an art form including the British chapter of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence who have managed to translate the entire King James' Bible (so it obviously IS possible to be a gay train spotter).
It is true to say that the spiritual home of the bespoke suit is Savile Row. However there are some unsavoury types who have trouble leaving their natural habitat of Bethnal Green in the East End of London. As a result there are tailors in that quarter who cater to their special needs. For instance a cosh pocket under the arm, that is a hidden pocket in which a gent can keep his weapon, or mobile phone.
There is a certain swagger that an East End suit bestows that would not be appropriate for a Savile Row suit.
Examples of both can be seen during the more important trials at the Old Bailey. The reader can decide on which side of the law each would appear.
France is rightly famous for many fine things; wine, food, can-can girls, disagreeing with America, the resistance and the 24hr race at Le Mans.
The first time Jaguar entered this race they of course won it. They went on to win in '54, '55 and '56.
Each time they competed the Jaguar team drove their cars from Coventry to Le Mans. On the way they sometimes stopped off to win in Monte Carlo and the Mille Miglia amongst other races.
The electricity in England is sometimes referred to as the leccy. As in 'Oh christ it's the leccy bill'
Unlike one's tailor if you don't pay the leccy they cut it off.
A gentleman never pays his tailor.
The Jam were one of the finest bands ever and Down in the Tube station at Midnight is one of their best singles.
The lead singer, Paul Weller, is a very stylish chap in spite of the occasional foray into bleached hair and moccasins.
Without A Town Called Malice the world would be a poorer place
The Sine Qua Non of world affairs.
Since there have been radios there has been the British Broadcasting Corporation.
It continued broadcasting throughout the First and Second Unpleasantnesses and its short wave World Service has kept hope alive for countless unfortunates held on foreign shores. One Chap included.
It is viewed with such fondness in Britain that people refer to it as Auntie.
The current junta across the pond call it the Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation but then they would wouldn't they.
Somewhat taken for granted in Blighty it is when deprived of the Beeb that a Chap really understands how important it is. When most other news organisations concentrate on presenter's hair styles and government arse-kissing the BBC is a shining light.
It will be around when the jackals currently assailing it are long forgotten.
Forties Cromarty Forth Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight
The Shipping Forecast from the British Broadcasting Corporation is unintelligible to ordinary human beings. Even the Two Chaps, Englishmen with sailing in their blood, can make neither head nor tale of it. That does not diminish it's beauty.
It is clear that when the various shipping areas surrounding the United Kingdom were named those doing the naming were high as kites. Thus we have Dogger off the North East coast. And beyond Dogger we have German Bight. The list goes on.
It is rumoured that the names are intentionally misleading to prevent Johnnie bloody foreigner from invading in little boats with his cheap wine and fags.
Though this is doubted by the Chaps who quite like French wine.
Listening to he Shipping News on a short wave radio, or indeed via their website, is a rare delight and should be enjoyed regularly for its calming effect.
www.bbc.co.uk/weather/ukweather/shipping.shtml
