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April 30, 2003

Yummie Mummies

It is a strange phenomenon of London life that wealthy men seem to find beautiful wives, impregnate them and then return to work leaving them to lurk in pouting herds around Primrose and Notting Hills.

Nobody is quite sure why this happens but the concentrations of quite stunning looking women around yoga classes, coffee houses and the kind of shops that sell the sort of expensive fripperies that no sane person could want has not gone unremarked among the gentlemen of the Metropolis.

So what if they're carrying somebody else's offspring and are, therefore, no longer breeding targets for the alpha male? We have evolved from the base ape. I don't have to actually own a Picasso (although obviously I do - several in fact) to enjoy going to a gallery.

Cruising the hills on a Summer afternoon and appreciating the YMs even though you can't have them is the the kind of rarified and purely aesthetic pursuit that marks a True Gentleman.

Think of it as a contemporary take on the convention of Courtly Love

The Daily Mail

The Daily Mail is the middle-brow tabloid of middle-aged Middle-England - all of which makes it sound deceptively harmless.

In fact it is a shameless propogandist rag for the worst sort of xenophobic evil. According to the Mail...

A) Single mothers should be burned at the stake .

B) Asylum seekers should be flogged and eaten or sold into slavery as cleaners for nice, middle-class families.

C) 'Gangs' of 'young tearaways' should be given a taste of the cat and eight years of National Service.

D) All homosexuals are pederasts and should, therefore be forced to wear a pink triangle and an enormous felt hat in the shape of a syphillitic penis which will enable them to be readily identified by armed vigilante gangs.

E) Every trueborn Englishman has an inalienable right to a half timbered house in the Home Counties with a twelve mile cordon sanitaire between him and the nearest person of colour, a gigantic, gas-guzzling German car, a simpering wife who lost interest in sex just after she married him but turns a blind eye to his penchant for underaged Eastern European prostitutes, three children he hates in expensive schools, a job for life, a pension, health insurance and every other financial instrument that promises to insulate him from contact with social provision.

All Daily Mail readers should be blinded before being buggered to death over the bonnets of their huge cars by gangs of immigrant squeegee merchants.

Aah. That must be the nurse with my medication.

Woodcraft Folk

A truly strange organisation.

Founded, I think, in the 30s, by people who found the Scouting movement too paramilitary for their offspring.

Woodcraft Folk operate on pacifist and socialist principles. They eschew uniforms, badges and the other accoutrements, concentrating on creative play, co-operation and quiet contemplation.

What is most baffling is how the organisation has continued to function as admission of membership is tantamount to taking out an advert in the school magazine inviting people to flush your head down the lavatories in break.

As far as I am aware nobody has ever admitted to being a member in adulthood which gives this happy band of little elves a more effective omerta than the Mafia.

Personally, I suspect them of covert connections with P2, the Illuminati, the Bilderburg Group and the Vatican and, though obviously I have no documentary evidence for this, they may have faked JFK's landing on the moon.

April 29, 2003

Blackwatch

A tartan of green on midnight blue

Named for the Black Watch - Her Majesty's 42nd Royal Highland Regiment

One of the oldest regiments in the British Army the Black Watch were originally formed to keep the somewhat lively Highlanders in check, the sort of thing Plod does now

The name comes from Black (meaning bad) and Watch (meaning to spy on)

An example of the Black Watch regiment's history;
Two platoons were en route for a Little Unpleasantness in South Africa when their ship struck a rock and broke in two. The ship's crew told the men their only hope lay in swimming for the lifeboats. However their officers pointed out that if they did so they would endanger the women and children already in the lifeboats. The men of the Black Watch stood firm in their ranks.

A Gentleman does not forget this when wearing Black Watch

Knight Templar

An order of Knights who did a bunch of dreadful things during the Crusades. Frankly I'm not really much good at pre-Empire history. Look them up on the web and you'll find they started Freemasonry, are the foundation of the Illuminatus conspiracy and shot JFK.

I reckon somebody would have noticed a bloke in armour on a horse on the Grassy knoll.

Jacob's

Rhyming slang for testicles by means so convoluted as to be vaguely amusing.

Jacob's > Jacob's Cream Crackers > Knackers > Testicles.


The Cream Cracker itself is a fascinating phenomenon. It is a truism of English life that the posher you are the more devoid of flavour the biscuits you consume with cheese.

The Cream Cracker is like a large saltine without any salt. It's regarded as posh by those of the lower orders aspiring to entertain. Higher up the scale is the Carr's Water Biscuit - a double-cooked flour and water wafer originally designed by a Scottish sea captain to be weevil proof. It's about as interesting as sucking cardboard.

The Scots somehow have a monopoly on posh and tasteless biscuits as the very highest social signifier is the oatcake. This is made of oats and water. Yes, that's animal feed to you and I. It has the consistency and taste of a piece of fibreboard and scours the intestines like battery acid.

Ideally this should be consumed with incredibly expensive, well aged, and flavoursome cheese and a stunning port - Go figure

Low-browed, knuckle-dragging mockery of a despot

"Hail to the Chief...

Dum de dum de dum de dum dum.

Top Trumps

A trading card game of abiding silliness fondly remembered by men of a certain age. 'Top Trumps - Cars', for example enabled you to play an elaborate form of snap using the statistics of motor cars on each card. Other sets featured football players, Olympic athletes, fighter planes, and, for all I know, rare breeds of sheep.

Most young men played the game obsessively until they discovered their penises.

Second little unpleasantness

Americans have a ghastly habit of referring to the Second World War as WW2.

There are several possible reasons for this...

a) Surely it can't have been a 'World' war if they weren't involved 'til the end.

b) As they won it for everyone else they can call it whatever silly acronym they like.

c) Perhaps they know about other World Wars that we don't. Somebody should tell them that 'Invasion Earth' was just a movie.

Harpies

According to Greek legend, Harpies were...
"Creatures with the head and breasts of a woman and the claws of a vulture; associated with sudden death; whirlwinds and storms; the feminine principle in its destructive aspect".

Pseud Tude

'Pseudo Tudor'.

The predominant architectural style of the arterial dual carriageways of London. Repellent 1930s houses enlivened with fake timber beams and rough stucco.

In late 1962, according to legend, Sir John Betjeman was apprehended on the Finchley Road, dressed entirely in black and carrying 75lbs of blasting gelignite.

After much behind the scenes maneuvering by the National Trust, Sir John was released into the custody of an order of gay Cistercian monks and allowed to recover in a spacious Palladian house near Cheam.

Duct tape and plastic sheeting

Anti-terrorist measure advocated by the Bush Administration

Though suggested to secure houses from chemical attack various other uses for duct tape have been offered, many of which would be an effective deterrent to rogue leaders

See: Junta

Crusties

People who favour dread-locked hair and a reluctance to wash though interestingly there is no evidence that the first Crusties were French

Natural habitats include caravans, trees and folk music festivals

Fond of playing the didgeridoo, tugging dogs along on rope, smoking pot and drinking cider

Prefer living with animals rather than eating them

Generally harmless, especially if stoned

Bring Me Sunshine

Bring me sunshine,
In your smile,
Bring me laughter,
All the while

The theme song of Morecambe and Wise

For many years Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise were the funniest men on television

Their star still shines brightly

'Get the tea Ern' was one of Eric's finest lines

Super 150s

A particularly fine wool cloth used for making Gentleman's suits

A true Gentleman can tell the cloth of a Chap's suit over the telephone

Allows a Chap to recline ad infinitum and, when finally roused, to appear fresh as a daisy

Noticeably useful after a good lunch

Le Gavroche

Two Star Michelin restaurant in Mayfair where God himself needs a reservation

There are no words to describe what Le Gavroche provides

Maintains correct standards of dress

Owned by a Frenchman (naturalment)

Not known for abundance of soap in the loos

Crewe

Home of Rolls Royce and Bentley, two of the World's Finest Motor Cars

Makers of aeroplane engines used extensively during the Second Little Unpleasantness

Now owned by the Chippy Bombers

Own goal.

Bint

Filly, Crumpet, Bird, Frippet, Totty &cet.

Not to be confused with the Old Ball and Chain
(At least not within earshot anyway)

SPECTRE

Pronounced 'Shpectah' the Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion were the evil adversaries of James Bond.


Essential tools with which to combat SPECTRE include Newport Pagnell's Finest and Trickers or Church's

Allah (God of a teetotal religion)

Chap at the head of the Islamic religion

A religion that amongst other things advocates total abstinence from alcohol

Coincidentally neither of the Chaps is a Muslim

Axminster

Carpet of choice for the floors of Gentlemen's motor cars and studies

A good Axminster will reduce friction burns on the knees
Or the bottom

Not to be confused with tufted shag, favoured by Les Dawson and other people from the North

JPD

J P Donleavy, author of amongst other things The Unexpurgated Code

A treatise on etiquette for social climbing and the inevitable social fall

Includes hints on what do upon Being Caught in Solitary Masturbation, and upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult

You'll have to read it for the answers

Essential reading and one of the Chaps' preferred authors

Connolly Hide

The leather of choice for the interiors of the World's Finest Cars

Connolly give their off-cuts to certain slippery Italian upstart car company's who seem to paint all their cars red, or rosso

Connolly have recently begun making small leather goods currently favoured by the Chaps

This Year's Finest from Newport Pagnell

Since Lionel Martin's first hill-climber in 1914 only about 9000 Aston Martins have been built

They are made in Newport Pagnell and along with Jaguars, Rolls Royces and Bentleys they are the World's Finest Motor Cars

A company called Ford now owns Aston Martin but unusually they haven't managed to bugger it up yet (See: Coventry's finest)

An Aston-Sport-Utility-Supa-Ultra-Minivan-Martin is expected

James Bond would not be amused

Nor are the Two Chaps

In spite of the above it is still entirely acceptable to drive a new Aston Martin and this does in fact denote a todger of generous proportions

Argies

Abbreviated term for Argentineans

Known for coming a very poor second in a Little Unpleasantness in 1982

Every four years the Argies assemble a group of long-haired gangsters, thieves and ne'er-do-wells with swarthy looks and short legs to do battle with our stout and honest young men. According to tradition the Argies cheat and we retire with honour

In 2002 they broke with tradition by sending a group of actual footballers

Two-Nil to us was I think, the score

Breakfast

You may think that a fried breakfast is something that doesn't need a recipe but I guarantee that if you follow this one you'll never regret it.

1. Wake up in a Georgian country house with a hangover of biblical proportions. Slide your arm from beneath the slender alabaster neck of the recumbent debutante and silently pick your way through the detritus of last night's party to the kitchen.

2. As soft golden sunlight arcs low across the paddock and gilds the chromework of the Aga like melted butter, find a big pan.

3. Heat an unconscionable quantity of oil to a gentle simmer and slip in the freshly made local sausages. Sausages should not be pricked and never fried. The intention is that they should poach in the oil.

4. As the sausages poach make tea. If it is a proper farmhouse there will be a gigantic 'Brown Betty' teapot of the type used to fortify British battalions throughout the last Great Unpleasantness. Add a spoonful of leaf tea (need we mention the sordid subject of bags?) for each person and 'one for the pot'. At this point the kettle will start its song, beginning the process of gently awakening the recovering partygoers. Pour the water over the leaves. The tea serves the same purpose to a hungover Englishman that chicken soup serves to a Jewish New Yorker with a headcold and hives. This is not cooking...it's an emergency clinical intervention. An Englishman's mother will offer him tea as first response medical aid even if his arm has been severed by a combine harvester.

5. Move the sausages to the warming oven, pour off all but a light glazing of the oil and begin to brown the bacon. Much has been written about good bacon and I do not propose to repeat it. Suffice it to say...smoked...streaky...thin...crisp. Place in the warming oven when done.

6. Open a can of Heinz baked beans -accept no substitute- these are not so much a foodstuff as an architectural element of the finished plate. Think of beans as colour and a concealer of disheartening flashes of empty plate between meats.

7. Mushrooms and tomatoes may be grilled at this stage but no gentleman would consider eating them. They are vegetables. Vegetables are a form of table decoration. They aren't food - they go next to food. As the great Dr Johnson should have said 'Vegetables are what food eats' and I have no intention of disagreeing.

8. Americans eat hash browns at breakfast. Theay are disagreeable to an Englishman. I understand that the French, who can make food out of almost anything, use them to sole espadrilles.

9. There are many different ways to cook eggs but most of them are purely of interest to invalids, children and the feeble-minded. The correct or 'proper English egg' is fried with lightly browned edges in the fat left over from the bacon. At the last minute, oil is flicked over the top of the yolk to seal it. This dangerous procedure causes the yolk to form a perfect, golden, viscid capsule, the violation of which with a rough shard of toast, is the nearest that an Englishman will permit himself to unbridled sexual ecstasy.

10. While the eggs are being coaxed into tumescence the first of the walking wounded will have arrived in the kitchen. Ignore the bashful looks and tousled hair and administer tea in large quantities. Mugs enable fingers to thaw and many a tryst has been sealed by a coy glance over the chipped china rim. The more robust may be set to the simple task of toast.

11. Working quickly, lay down toast, top with an egg, flank with bacon and sausage and fill the spaces with beans. Serve forth.

Lunchdate at the edge of the abyss (Article)

It normally starts with a phonecall or an email from someone you haven't seen around for a few months.

"Hi. How are you doing? Why don't we get together for a drink?"

This usually trips the alarm because for the last six years he's been famously too busy to even return calls. Until recently, as you will have noticed in the trades, he was something very, very senior in an agency.
The venue is one of the private member's clubs or, if it's lunch, one of the industry favoured Soho troughs where women with prominent tendons and a Botox rictus push salads around plates in the company of richer and uglier men.
Remarkably, he'll already be there when you arrive. This could be a new found politeness and humility or, more likely, the corner table is now as near as he's going to get to a West End office and you're his fourth meeting today.
He - and it's invariably a guy, women have more dignity - is looking faintly dishevelled, the result of a string of late nights. He looks like he may have spent last night on someone's sofa. As you get closer you'll also notice that he's waxen with a combination of substance abuse and self-loathing.
Polite greetings out of the way, lunch is ordered.

"Shall we skip straight to the main?" he asks, his lightly tripping tone implying that time rather than cost is the issue.
And suddenly you can't put it off any longer so you ask the fatal question...

"So how are things?"

His eyes light up with the enthusiastic intensity of suicide bombers or the Born Again. "Incredibly busy at the moment"

"So you've left... and here you insert the name of the criminally inept and hubristic troupe of village idiots that, until last month, paid his insane salary. As you do his entire body twitches involuntarily.
It's like a particularly ugly road accident. You don't want to go any closer, you don't want to get involved, but some ghoulish fascination impels you to. Against all sense you ask,

"So what are you up to?"
The eyes light up again and you're off on a breathless half-hour long roller coaster of cobbled together business jargon and insane dreams. At some point the term 'Working on a variety of projects' crops up. Interestingly this is actually true - as long as you count catching up on the recycling and painting the bathroom ceiling. There's around a fifty percent chance he'll be 'moving into coaching'. This is a cracker. If those that can do and those that can't teach, why is it always those that have screwed up monumentally that coach? He'll definitely be 'Consulting'. They say that in London you're never more than ten feet away from a rat - in some postcodes, consultant densities must be giving the rats pause. Interestingly, the rodents always seem to be occupied with something.

At around the thirty-fifth minute a wave of depression rolls over you. This is a guy who left his wife and kids for his PA at the height of his powers. Who's spent enough on drugs to buy your house yet has no more tucked away for a rainy day than a dreary loft in Shoreditch with a savage mortgage and the prospect of alimony bills lining his path to penury like cheap wallpaper. When he talks about options and opportunities you fear he's looking at straight choice between begging his family to take him back and opening his veins in the toilets at the Met bar. He's like a black hole sucking out those last few molecules of optimism you've been hoarding to get yourself through this. So you try to guide the conversation to a conclusion.

And this is, somehow the most terrible part. You realise that he's not going to tap you for a loan, a job, a contact or even a consultancy gig. He knows infinitely better than you that not a single one of his supposed skills or talents is of any relevance whatever to anyone still in control of a budget. He's a middle-man riding the coat tails of a bubble that he never understood when he was exploiting it and is now more deflated than the look in his eyes. He doesn't want your money or even your sympathy he just wants you to see him and listen to him so he can cling for another week to the delusion he's still a player.

On the way home you give twenty pounds to a startled Big Issue seller.

April 28, 2003

Withnail and I

Probably the finest film ever made. Two overeducated, alcoholic flaneurs attempt to flee London and its narcotic temptations for a short break in the country. As ever, when gentlemen leave the Metropolis, all is disaster.

Also involves food, wine, drugs, buggery and references to "A rebours".

Gieves and Hawkes

Situated, rather appositely, at No.1 Savile Row, Gieves and Hawkes is one of our favourite outfitters.

Although their modern ranges are a picture of louche luxury, they are still one of the better recommended officer's tailors for Her Majesty's armed forces. Thus, while picking out a sumptuous modern shirt one may also, simply by lying about one's regiment, acquire a splendid pair of regulation officer's gloves at risible outlay.

Please note that the 'G' is pronounced hard, as in 'Git' and 'Guttersnipe'. Jeeves is someone else entirely.

PG Wodehouse

Probably best known as the author of the 'Jeeves and Wooster' stories, Wodehouse was a prolific and brilliant writer. Other series evolved around a cast of stock characters which included Eukridge, Psmith, The Oldest Member and Lord Emsworth.

PG also wrote libretti for Broadway musicals and, in something of a career limiting move, propaganda messages for the Germans in the Second Little Unpleasantness.

PG, or 'Plum' as he was fondly known, is high up there in the Gentlemen's pantheon.

He am, as they say, de Man.

The Kray Brothers

Twin gangsters who operated in East London in the 50s and 60s.

Ronnie and Reggie Kray managed to combine style, fine tailoring, fantastic cars, extreme violence and sodomy in one charming package. Though Al Capone may have been more famous, he was an American and was never photographed by David Bailey.

When the Gentlemen get to Heaven, the Krays will be invited to dinner.

Khazi

Slang term for lavatory.

Although crapper, long-drop, head, cottage, WC, office and throne are all acceptable, the Raj connotations of 'Khazi', plus the fact that it is usually pronounced in tones redolent of Sid James in 'Carry On Up The Khyber', makes it the preferred term.

'O' Levels

Taken at sixteen, the 'O' levels used to be the first major examinations for British Schoolchildren.

The curriculum, in hindsight, seemed designed entirely to equip young gentlemen to become Colonial administrators or to work in the sort of companies that had 'Imperial' in their names.

The 'O'levels were followed two years later by 'A' levels, three or four specialist subjects that led to university.

All of these exams have now passed into history, replaced by continuously assessed diplomi in Hip-Hop DJing, Car Theft and Random Violence.

NB. Visitors are amused to discover that prostitute's cards in London phone boxes announce the advertiser's 'O' and 'A' Levels. Although I am sure that many of these young ladies have the very highest of academic qualifications, I regret to report that they are, in fact, proferring Oral or Anal services.

Crombie

Manufacturer of overcoats to the gentry and well-dressed suede-heads

Suitable for concealing coshes, hip flasks and the racing results the correct Crombie is black or occasionally navy blue with a scarlet lining and matching pocket square

It should have a black velvet collar, a detail originally added by English Gentlemen to show sympathy with their over-fed French friends who were losing their heads during an Unpleasantness with their peasantry, who apparently were reluctant to eat cake, and use soap

A Crombie is short enough that a chap can swing into the seat of his Jag without having to deal with yards of fabric beneath his posterior yet long enough to conceal a shotgun with only 6" hacksawed off the barrel.

Strangely this useful fact is not mentioned anywhere on their website.

The venerable company of Messrs J and J Crombie of Leeds have been helping to keep Gentleman warm since 1805

The word Crombie has become eponymous with any old tat of a similar length

This is to be regretted

If a chap's overcoat is not from J and J Crombie then it is not a Crombie - it is merely a coat

Gentlemen should seek out false profits and expose them

Nonce

Either a Shakespearean sounding term for a moment or London criminal slang for one who interferes with the underaged.

Examples:

"Hey nonny nonny, Sirrah,
Prithee, hi thee to an apothecary at the nonce".

or

"Ere. Bullet-tooth Tony says Pelfrey is a nonce".
"Right. Let's do the bastard in association".

It doesn't do to confuse these.

Whillywha

A flattering deceiver

The sort of chap who ends up with kid gloves across the face and a card presented by another chap's seconds

Or a night of illicit rumpy-pumpy with no questions asked

Hoi Polloi

(Gk) The People

The general public, the populace, what Bertie Wooster often referred to as the 'Many headed'.

As Kingsley Amis, (another member of the Gentlemen's pantheon) has pointed out, hoi is Greek for the thus use of a supernumerary definite article is both redundant and incorrect.

The correct usage will mark you as a pedant, the incorrect as a Tory. We leave you to make your own choice.

Chang

Dr. Chang's Demon Powders.
The Devil's Dandruff.
Noser.
Chuff.
Bolivian Marching Powder.
Chazz.
Gakk.

All terms for cocaine or, as it is known in London, "amphetamine and lavatory cleaner"

Lucky Jim

Sir Kingsley Amis named this fine drink after his character in the novel of the same name

It is a martini with 2:1 fresh cucumber juice to Dry Vermouth

Sir Kingsley's suggested its apparent mildness and pleasant green colour might make it an excellent love philtre to press on shy young ladies, if there any of these left anywhere in the land

He evidently didn't move in the same circles as the Two Chaps (see Old Ball and Chain &cet.)

PosiDriv (TM)

A proprietary brand of cross-head screw.

Glorious Ninth

A stirring piece of music written by one Ludwig Van Beethoven, a Chippy Bomber long before there were Chippys or Bombers

The chap responsible for most of the actual Chippy Bombing during the Second Little Unpleasantness was a big fan of this piece of music

So was Alex in A Clockwork Orange

All in all not a terribly encouraging fan base, but undeservedly so

Quite stirring indeed if listened to at sufficiently high volume on the Jag's stereo

Who Are You Looking At?!

Stanley knife

The weapon of choice of the English football hooligan.

The 'Stanley' knife, known to Americans as the more prosaic 'Box Cutter', has become favoured for it's ability to cause horrific looking injuries and unpleasant scarring with little or no possibility of actual death.

Our American cousins have difficulty understanding a culture which finds fighting entertaining but baulks at killing. This explains a great deal.

There is an almost legendary 'upgrade' to the 'Stanley' where two blades are fitted into the handle side by side. This removes a thin strip of skin, makes repair more difficult and ensures maximum scarring.

It is important to reiterate that the Two chaps do not condone violence in any form and include this section purely for information.

A chap would never resort to hitting another chap. He would merely pay a third chap to do it for him.

Large scale OS of the scree etc.

OS refers to the 'Ordinance Survey' maps of the UK which every young Englishman grows up knowing how to read.

It says much of our education system that 'Geography' is the part of the curriculum devoted to learning the crops and resources of the nations of the Empire and learning how to read artillery maps.

Large Scale OS maps are the exclusive preserve of 'Walkers'.

For most of the world, 'Walking' is the standard method of human locomotion. The English, deprived of decent weather and beaten at all manly endeavours by our colonies, have tried to turn it into a sport. As you can imagine from the British, it is not regarded as competitive.

'Walkers' have dour expressions, rank layers of waterproofs, favour hideously plain girlfriends and thick brown ales and are pathologically unnattractive.

If it weren't for Welsh girls and University geology departments, no walker would ever be able to reproduce.

Scree is a bank of loose rock which often proves treacherous while climbing.

Scafel is a mountain somewhere ghastly in the North of England.

I found this out by asking a man with a beard.

CCF

The Combined Cadet Force is an institution favoured in British Grammar schools which prepares students for careers in Her Majesty's Armed Forces.

Better classes of school will have an OTC or Officer Training Corps which pretty much tells you all you need to know.

No matter how professional our forces become, the CCF is always trapped firmly in the era of National service. A weekly stint of drill, polishing a shared Boer war bolt action rifle followed by three hours of mapreading and Morse code.

Inherent in the structure of any school-based, voluntary, paramilitary organisation are the seeds of it's own downfall.

After the compulsory first year, intelligent people leave, disheartened by doing push-ups in puddles and wearing an ugly uniform made out of a kind of fibreglass and horsehair matting. Of course, promotion is dependent on more than a year's service.

...You'll have spotted the problem then...

Within three years, any CCF unit has become a self-fulfilling hotbed of sadistic bullying.

However, the certain knowledge that only the thick get promoted has served many ex-cadets well into later life.

Bell End

The Bell-End is the bulbous tip of the protuberance. You know...
The Old Chap.
The Tallywhacker.
Little Winston.
The One-eyed Trouser Snake.
The Gentleman's Downstairs
Tadger.
Pego.
Fowling-Piece.
Kidney-nudger.

Good Lord... Do I have to spell it out?

Coach bolts

Huge metal bolts used to hold beams together. They are forced into place using a combination of blows from a sledgehammer and mighty lunges at an enormous wrench.

Particularly unpleasant in this context.

Plod

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Constabulary
Also known as Peelers, Bow Street Runners, the Old Bill and the Filth, though this last term is not thought to be one of endearment

Never been thought of in the same way since the demise of Dixon of Dock Green
'Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello. What's going on 'ere then? Said he, famously.

Morse, Bergerac, Harry Callaghan and Bullit were all Plod of one form or another

Can be relied upon to provide dinner party conversation and televisual entertainment, forever

White Nubuck lawn Bluchers

Correct footwear for socialising on grass

Frequently coupled with white flannels and a blazer

Under no account to be associated with any kind of sport

Except perhaps relaxing in the shade, sipping Pimms No 1 cup and watching ladies in appropriately brief attire energetically perform lawn tennis

Trickers

Family owned shoemakers since 1829, still located in Jermyn Street and still owned by the Trickers family, see below

Essential footwear for shooting weekends or shooting out to the pub in inclement weather

James Bond would've worn Trickers if given the choice and Spectre would've been extra sorry he had

Still owned by the Trickers family i.e. not bought out and ruined by slippery Italians or crass Septics or Chippy Bombers. See also: Church's, Coventry's finest &cet.

Pinkie

Small time gangster from the novel Brighton Rock by Graham Greene

Given to bouts of religious zealousness of a worrying kind

A chap best not told that his name is a bit poofy

Weapon of choice, a razor, hardly the tool of a Gentleman. Given to attacking without provocation and enticing his lady friend to end it all alongside him

Not a contender for the Two Chaps' Pantheon

Darcy

Chap in Jane Austin's novel Pride and Prejudice
Not afraid to tell the gentler sex where to get off
Got away with it for most of the book but got caught in the end, poor chap

In the televisual version of this classic the part of Mr Darcy was played by Mr Colin Firth
Mr Firth sent ladies hearts racing, and indeed some gentlemen's too.

May also refer to 'The Destiny of Darcy Dancer, Gentleman' by J.P Donleavy

Beeb

Affectionate abbreviation for the British Broadcasting Corporation

Fondly lampooned by the English for being 'establishment', quietly considered a bastion of integrity

Worshipped by English ex-pats for not being fanatically right-wing, religious fundamentalist, xenophobic Bush sycophants with fake teeth and Stepford brains, unlike the domestic product, which are

Not owned by Murdoch or any other American Corporation, see above

Can be relied upon to report the news and make some other televisual entertainment

See also; World Service

April 22, 2003

Francois Villon

Fran¨ois Villon c.1461

Author of Ballade des dames de temps jadis (Ballad of the Ladies of Ancient Times) which contains the oft misquoted line...

"Mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?"

Translated by Rosetti inter alia as ....

"But where are the snows of yesteryear?"

As M. Villon was, sadly, French, we need bother ourselves with him no longer.

April 21, 2003

Martini

"There are a lot of different opinions about using gin or vodka in a Martini. On the face of it, a drink that relies so heavily on a huge slug of cold white alcohol should work well with either, in fact there have occasionally been attempts to use tequila and rum (neither of which I'd recommend). The American Bartenders Association reports that two out of three Martinis are now made with vodka. I have no intention of telling you which one is best, I'll just point out that there are names for the vodka version, The Vodkatini and the Dry Vodka Martini (James Bond's favourite) but there is no such thing as a gin martini.... Just a martini. So, hopefully, with that little bit of semantic jiggerypokery, we can lay the debate to rest.

Vodka is defined as the purest possible spirit distilled - if you remember your 'O' levels - from the fermentation products of sugars. The original material can be potatoes, beets or grain but by the time it's been through the process of fermentation and distillation it's just pure flavourless, odourless alcohol, chemically indistinguishable from the fuel in dragsters.

For gin lovers this is merely the raw material.

Gin distillers take this basic fluid and combine it by various dark arts with 'Botanicals' - small quantities of aromatic herbs and spices. The main botanical element is usually juniper, the flavouring favoured by the Dutch inventors of the drink. As it happens, the Flemish for juniper is genever, which the English naturally corrupted and shortened to give us 'gin' - convenient, unpretentious and easier to ask for when you're pissed. The other botanicals are always a trade secret which explains why gins vary so hugely in flavour. Something like Bombay Sapphire, for example is so highly flavoured that it really overpowers anything else you can put with it so it's best avoided altogether or, chucked in a glass with slimline tonic and poured onto a bar carpet.

Opinions obviously vary according to taste but a general, all round best bet is Tanqueray export. It's very strong in alcohol but for my money it has the most basic 'gin like' taste

On to the Vermouth.

The name is derived from German or Old English Vermut or Vermod which mean Wormwood. It is a fortified wine with added flavourings, most of which are in the form of fruit oils. The story has it that vermutvein or wormwood wine was first brought to poularity in Paris in 1500 by an Italian traveller who brought some back from Bavaria. On the other hand, Hippocrates recommended infusing wine with wormwood to cure parasites (hence the name) so, theoretically it was created by the founding father of medicine.

There are dozens of proprietary brands of vermouth. These are seperated into Italian and French, the Italian being sweeter and the French tending to be more dry. My Grandmother used to swear by 'Gin and It' or gin and Italian, which was, considered to be the height of sophistication in Bristol pubs after the war. It bore no resemblance to a martini being a fairly even mix of cheap gin and sweet vermouth, probably without the benefit of ice, but it kept Nan happy.

By an odd coincidence, one of the most popular brands of Italian vermouth is called 'Martini'. Any time any place anywhere except in my Martini. The brand is actually named after the founders, Martini and Rossi and has little to do with the cocktail. Although I've never worked on the brand myself I'm fairly sure they keep the confusion going in order to trade off the impeccable credentials of the cocktail. It does however cause an incredible amount of trouble for travellers and incompetent barmen. If you ask for a martini in a bar and the barman replies 'Red or White?' you're going to get a slug of this foul stuff with lemonade in a grimy glass. Usually it's time to leave.

Thankfully, for appreciators of the real thing, Joseph Nouilly met Claudius Prat in Lyon in 1813 and the perfect vermouth was born. Accept no substitute.

Finally the olive/twist debate. This is the only area where papal law offers no simple answers. You're dealing with a base spirit expertly flavoured with botanicals in a perfect mix with another, immaculately blended fluid, chances are you don't want to drop a filthy great olive, dripping with brine straight into it. Olives should be drained as soon as purchased and stored in a fridge in vermouth. It's the only way you're not going to louse up the drink. You can use the pimento stuffed variety but I can't see why. Black olives contain way too much oil so steer clear of them.

The number of olives is also an issue. One is obviously perfect but may look lost in a large drink, two is acceptable but beyond that is aesthetically difficult. In American bars where the staff are more attentive and you can be checked into a twelve step programme for appearing squiffy in public they've adopted the habit of adding an extra olive for each drink they serve you. This is supposed to help you keep count but is actually intrusive, domineering and completely unnecessary. If anyone tries this on you you're honour bound to either a) leave or b) diligently drink until he can't squeeze another one onto the stick before falling off your stool.

A twist looks great and can add a pleasant hint of lemon oil to the aromatic mix. This is probably why it's most popular in Vodka Martinis which need all the help they can get in the flavour dept.


Frank Sinatra, Sean Connery, Joan Didion, Hunter S Thompson, Hemingway, Dorothy Parker, Lauren Bacall, Dean Martin, Ian Fleming, Tenessee Williams, WC Fields. With such an incredible fan club of self destructive heavy drinkers behind it, it's not suprising that the Martini has become the drinkers drink and that a whole culture of 'Dryness' - basically how little vermouth you can get away with adding - has sprung up.

The original martini, as far as anyone can tell, was poured for a miner in Martinez in California in 1849. There are all manner of other claims for its invention and naming but all early sources agree on one thing - the proportions of 1 vermouth to 4 of gin. This is really not a pleasant drink and ever since the martini has been getting dryer and dryer.

Most barmen today use the shot, swirl or spray. With the shot you use a quill in the bottle top to glug in the smallest amount of vermouth before mixing. With the swirl, you swirl the vermouth around the glass and discard before pouring in the cold gin and with the sprayer, you mist the glass before adding the gin. The American bar at the Savoy favours this latter method

Some aficionados reckon there's enough vermouth in a well soaked olive to do the job and therefore insist on keeping the same olive from drink to drink. For the real fan the 'Olivett' was marketed around 1950. This was a screw topped olive container worked into a gold tieclip. A tiny screw attached to a gold chain was driven into the pit of the olive which was then kept in the container in an amniotic wash of vermouth. A chap was thus able to keep his olive with him for life. I have made it my life's ambition to track down one of these things.

In 1966 the American standard dry martini (ASDM) was first documented at Princeton. This suggested placing a 60 watt lightbulb exactly nine inches from a bottle of vermouth and placing a bottle of gin 23 inches on the opposite side. By illuminating the bottle for between 7 and 16 seconds (shorter exposure for clear bottles) enough vermouth flavour was radiated into the gin to make an ASDM.

In the bar at Chasen's in Hollywood in the 1940s, vermouth bottles were kept on glass shelves in the window and the shaker was passed through the light.

Churchill felt that the gin should be shown the cork of the vermouth bottle to give it the right idea.

Dean Martin said the shaker full of gin and ice should be pointed toward Naples.
So... you get the idea... dryer is better.

Well actually no.

Cold gin in a martini glass is not a martini, however dry and, although the gimmicks are an essential part of martini culture, there has grown up, through years of diligent drinking, an accepted standard proportion and it is...

1-8

Which miraculously, can be achieved by a simple, magical process. If the Vermouth is poured over the ice, in the shaker, stirred and poured away, a near as possible perfect quantity of vermouth remains attached to the increased surface area of ice and shaker. Allah, is truly all powerful.

Finally, the vexed question of shaking or stirring.

Though shaking looks great, it chips the ice. It makes the drink cooler, faster, but it dilutes it, however subtly. Not only did James Bond prefer vodka, but he liked his drink watered down. Of questionable masculinity and fond of Russian spirits. Was Fleming trying to tell us something?

Gentle stirring is the way. The gin is poured in gently and silently so as not to 'bruise' or 'shock' the spirit and is gently stirred with a bar spoon, clockwise for at least 20 and no more than 30 seconds in waltz tempo. If you're counting turns make it an odd number. (no-one knows why)".

April 19, 2003

Porcelain telephone

Otherwise known as the khazi, crapper, john, head, toilet, lavatory, bog, etc.

The porcelain telephone is used for speaking to one's God often after, though not related to, prodigious consumption of electric soup

As in; "With his face deep inside the porcelain telephone he mumbled 'oh God, oh God,' quietly to himself and contemplated his end."

World Service

A radio station from the British Broadcasting Corporation in London

The World Service is transmitted in short wave and so can be picked up anywhere from darkest Peru to darkest Manhattan using only a short wave radio.

Invaluable when a chap is away in the colonies and he needs the shipping forecasts or the Test Match scores

NB. Originally the BBC broadcast three channels - The Home Service, The World Service and The Light Programme.

There's something comforting about that.

Church's

Fine English shoes made in Northampton since 1873 Church's .

Until very recently Church's denoted a gentleman.

Alas just as with Jaguar, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin and others this venerable company has been taken over by foreign interlopers. By Spring 2003 the injection moulded soles had set in and what was once solid and English is now slippery and Italian.

Shoes designed before 1999 are still eminently acceptable

England Expects

'England Expects That Every Man Shall Do His Duty'

On 21st October 1805 Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson needed a flag signal to encourage and inspire his men for a Little Unpleasantness off the coast of Trafalgar.

What he came up with has continued to inspire Englishmen to this day.

Incidentally we won, the French and Spanish lost, and Nelson was killed, though he did get to snog his mate Hardy before he went.

Well you can't have everything can you?

Peyote

A hallucinogenic cactus credited by Huxley with opening the gates of perception.

Gold Top

During the years of rationing a strange cult grew around the 'Top of the Milk'. This was the thick creamy layer on the top of unhomogenised milk which would be granted to Father to pour over his breakfast while the children were left with a watery residue that, I think, had something to do with badgers and tuberculosis. After breakfast he would beat his entire family with a large stick and then go down a mine.

Gold Top was a premium milk - with an eponymous gold foil cap - which pandered to this cruelty by encouraging seperation.

Democracy was only restored by the introduction of homogenisation and school milk

Unigate

It is a strange quirk of English life that it is possible to have milk delivered to ones house. It is left on the doorstep each morning by a uniformed employee of the dairy who, in popular folklore, is at it like a weasel with every bored housewife on his rounds rounds and (possibly in consequence) is always cheery. (Ours was a misanthropic pederast with terminal haliotosis, but I digress).

Unigate was a large National dairy.

Why milk, you might reasonably ask?

Because we are British, we reply.

We could have had wine, fine cheeses, fresh and crusty bread, great foaming steins of ale, cigars or high quality pornography - it's not beyond the wit of man - but no... we got milk.

Sadly the Milkman is no more in most of the UK. They probably couldn't find anyone willing to get up at 4 am and live up to the expectation of being cheery satyr.

Pizzas, I understand, can be delivered.

I wonder what they are.

Satan's urine

See Electric Soup

Chippy bombers

Germans.

So named for their habit of dropping bombs on purveyors of Fish and Chips during the Second Little Unpleasantness.

See also; Jerrys, Krauts, Goose Steppers, Huns, Fritz's, Bloody Germans and Sun Bed Stealers.

Awarded a very creditable second place in '66.

Possessors of uncanny ability to Make Trains to Run on Time.

Foreign owners of Rolls Royce and Bentley, see also Church's and Coventry's finest.

Coventry's finest

Jaguars have been manufactured in Coventry since 1935 and are the motor of choice for gangsters, Prime Ministers, Arthur Daley and one of the Two Chaps.

Coventry is famous for being bombed during the Second Little Unpleasantness, see Chippy Bombers.

It is thought that Jerry was jealous because Jaguars are better than Mercedes and Beamers, which is true.

50p for the meter

When poor people, or 'scratchers' (see separate entry) have trouble paying their exorbitant electricity, or 'leccy,' bills the capitalist thieves at the leccy companies give them electricity meters that have to be fed fifty pence pieces at the rate of several an hour, thus avoiding bills altogether and giving rise to the much uttered phrase 'Anyone got a 50p for the meter?'

It also makes for hilarity if the 50p runs out and you are plunged into darkness, say when carrying a scalding hot vat of oil through a room full of randomly discarded roller skates.

Projectile vomiting in Quo Vadis

Traditional pastime when Two Chaps meet, the venues may vary but the traditions live on.

The sort of achievement alluded to only in hindsight, if actually remembered at all

Often preceded by, but not related to, lunching rather well.

Lord's

Cricket ground in North London.

As in,
'Took the little woman to India don't y'know'
'Oh really?'
'Yah. At Lord's.'

Considered to be a v. funny joke in chinless circles

Jerusalem

Considered to be especially patriotic this tune was written in the Golden Days of Empire.

Much talk of 'Arrows of Desire' and 'Swords Sleeping in Hands' though not generally thought to have homo-erotic overtones.

Not to be confused with Jerusalem as mentioned in the Bible and scene of an ongoing Little Unpleasantness

Desk frippet

The receptionist at our London club is as abidingly beautiful as she is intelligent and forthright.

If she ever heard either of us refer to her as the 'Desk Frippet' we would end up wearing our testicles as cufflinks

Dum vivimus vivamus

While we live, let us live

Epicurean motto meaning pleasure is the goal of morality, or something.

Well you can't say fairer than that can you?

Thurston's

The firm of Albert Thurston have been making fine English braces since 1820.

They have polished brass buckles and real goatskin straps.

They keep your trousers up and should not be red or seen.

Electric soup

Drink.

See also; Booze, Satan's Urine, Sauce, Plonk, Alcohol, Swift One, Bracer, Stiffener &cet.

Sans poil

(Fr) Hairless, bald.

Or shaved.

Enough said.

UHT milk

Balti bucket

Del Boy

Challenge Anneka

Television program of the early nineties devoted to helicopter rides in pursuit of Blonde Swedish woman's bottom.

Apparently there was another point to the show but it was never clear.

Frankly speaking, not the finest specimen ever seen on the television.

See also; Nigella Lawson

Everard, Larry, scores on the doors

Larry Grayson was just the slightest bit camp.

When hosting The Generation Game he was given to asking for the 'Scores on the Doors.'

His other catch phrase was 'Shut that door Everard'

We really don't know why.

Compus

Abbrev. of Compus Mentis meaning 'in control of one's mental faculties'

Best avoided with the help of regular doses of electric soup

The Tour

Up to the beginning of the twentieth century those that could afford it would travel through France, Italy and other countries, sometimes as far as Egypt, to have a look at what Britain either owned or used to own or fancied having a go at in the future.

Ostensibly to broaden horizons and educate The Grand Tour enabled generations of English men and women as well as some of their European cousins to make themselves unpopular across wide areas of Europe and Africa.

See also modern-day Americans 'doing' Europe

George III

Not entirely compus a lot of the time through a bit of a problem with the sauce or something like that.

In fact spent much of his time absolutely hat-stand.

Not very good at setting taxes or holding onto America for the Empire.

The British Embassy in Washington has a huge portrait of him in the entrance hall (Ha!).

Interesting note; The Americans declared themselves independent only of George III, not Great Britain.

Septics

Americans.

Cockney rhyming slang thus-

Septics>Septic Tank>Yank

Also-

Shermans>Sherman Tank>Yank

'America' - not to be confused with - a democracy

Schadenfreude

German word meaning to take pleasure from another's misfortune

Funny that.

See also - Chippy Bombers

Cipriani

Harry Cipriani opened a bar in Venice and sold very nice Bellinis.

Ernest Hemingway was a fan as was Frank Sinatra.

Ciprianis is now probably bigger than McDonalds and not much more inspiring.

The Bellinis continue to be excellent though.

Note - Do not mention the widely available p**mix in the presence of T

Globe Trotter

Venerable makers of gentlemen's suitcases since 1878

Entirely suitable for jet travel or strapping to the back of your E-Type.

Suitcase of choice for the Two Chaps.

Sans-chemise

Without shirt (Fr)

All right for farm labourers and chaps you are about to wrestle at your club.

Elsewhere unacceptable.