JPD
J P Donleavy, author of amongst other things The Unexpurgated Code
A treatise on etiquette for social climbing and the inevitable social fall
Includes hints on what do upon Being Caught in Solitary Masturbation, and upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult
You'll have to read it for the answers
Essential reading and one of the Chaps' preferred authors