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A comedy character portrayed by the English actor Steve Coogan. Not worth describing as Americans are genetically programmed to not find him funny. If they claim to, then they are lying.
To be fair we don't find Jim Carrey funny either.
But then he isn't.
There are a couple of things that the wider world should make itself aware of re: Christmas. And by wider world we don't mean the Commonwealth because they already get it.
1. Christmas crackers. Rolled up shiny paper, not unlike a loo roll holder wrapped in tin foil, which when pulled between two celebrants breaks in two and emits a loud SNAP. Contained therein are an hilarious 1970's (crap) joke, a (crap) toy for children and animals to get stuck in their throats, and a jolly paper party hat that is to be worn throughout the duration of the Christmas meal, with no exceptions. Not that difficult is it?
2. Boxing Day. Civilised societies do not go to work on the day after Christmas Day. This is not a religious dictum, it is social. Boxing Day is the day when families box up possessions that have been superseded by the previous day's gifts and pass these cast-offs onto the less fortunate. Furthermore Christmas Day can sometimes present the kind of challenge that can only be overcome by copious consumption of electric soup, a Chap needs a day to get over this.
God's tea.
All right so Fortnum and Masons' tea is posher, and you probably don't get PG at the Ritz. But since when are we bound by toff's rules?
Our Mums brought us up to realise that there is little or nothing that is not made better by the addition of a cup of tea. PG Tips is every bit as good as any other kind of tea, and we even like the Pyramids even though they just look like squashed teabags.
God's own food. See also Heinz Baked Beans.
Pastry wrapped around meat, potato and vegetables. The pastry is folded around the filling and crimped to from a single line of crust over the top.
Created in Cornwall by wives for their husbands' to eat while down the mines. The thick line of crust enabled the miners to eat the filling without touching it with their dirty hands (no porcelain sinks and Body Shop liquid soap down t'pit). The crusts could then be discarded. Though if you've washed your hands and you happen to have a knife and fork (and know how to use them, America) then the crust is as good as the rest and certainly not to be wasted.
Not to be confused with Cornish Pasty Shoes from Clarks
Just like Two Chaps Talking Tea and Sympathy is a bastion of all that is correct in a world, or city, where much is not.
Specifically an English cafˇ in Greenwich Village New York. Specialising in the kind of food you probably haven't eaten since you left school but since you left England you've hungered for more than anything else. Run by the English, for the English.
Don't ask for a De-caf, skim latte with Sweet'n'Low, or you'll be (rightly) asked to naff off.
Do ask for a pot of tea.
As with Bobbies on the Beat these English icons are used by Hollywood accountants, sorry 'film makers', to give a sense of authenticity to any scene supposedly set in England.
What they universally miss are the following.
They've never actually had working phones in them.
They were and are used for displaying pictures of naked ladies who will do rude things for money.
They are used as public lavatories, hence are not conducive to standing in for longer than you can hold your breath.
There aren't any anymore, except here and there.
British policemen and policewomen walk a beat, that is a specific path, around their neighbourhood. Along the way they stop to ruffle the hair of small children, have cups of tea, help little old ladies across roads and say ''Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello what's going on 'ere then?' in Northern or cockney accents.
They carry truncheons instead of guns and American film makers seem to think that for a scene set in England to be authentic they need only put a Bobby in it, no matter how utterly improbable (Bobbies on planes etc.). See also Double Decker Routemaster Buses and Red Telephone Boxes.
Bobbies are sometimes called other names but we can't think of any of them just at the moment.
England or more specifically London. As in the Seat of the Empire.
Though New York is comprised of five boroughs it is well known that nothing of any interest happens outside the borough of Manhattan*. In fact those living in Manhattan oft refer to the outer boroughs as being overseas, since you need to cross a bridge to get to them. Which is fine.
The Upper West Side does what it says on the jacket, though it is in fact only half way up the actual island that is Manhattan. But of course above the UWS is Harlem and somehow we doubt that those who named the UWS included Harlem in their version of New York.
*See also North of the river in London.
OED - A free association of the UK with certain independent states (originally subj. to Britain) and dependencies which all acknowledge the British Monarch as its Head
Including our friends in Canada, Australia, South Africa, New Zealand and many other countries who all did the right thing immediately during the First and Second Little Unpleasantnesses.
God's Own Food
Not to be confused with anything else at all.
Yes we know that Sainsbury's, Tesco's and every other Tom, Dick and Harry probably get theirs from Heinz but we don't care. It's Heinz all the way.
Instead of reaching up to the top shelf in your local newsagents and trying to hide your copy of Big and Busty inside a copy of the Times Literary Supplement a chap can now go to an Internet Cafe and gaze at naked ladies to his heart's content. It costs a few shillings for an hour's gawping but that's money well spent. Apparently.
The Two Chaps would like it to be known that they do not frequent Internet Cafes to gawp at naked ladies or anything else for that matter.
They have their own computers at home.
During the old days of Empire chaps needed to spend long periods in far flung corners and so needed tailors who, while not being exactly Savile Row, could at least make a uniform and a blazer that would do him until a chap got back to Blighty. Since the Empire turned into the Commonwealth and most of the chaps came home these tailors all claim to have been Tailors to Her Majesties Armed Forces.
One of the Chaps patronised just such a tailor and wasn't wholly disappointed with the results. That they do the fittings in your hotel room, finish the suit in four days and charge less than dinner for four at Le Gav was also a pleasant surprise.
When wearing a suit made overseas it is not necessary to point this out. A Gentleman can tell from ten paces and wouldn't refer to the fact, assuming merely that a chap'd served abroad.
Newspaper of note.
All right so it does have some dodgy readers, particularly in North London, but since when did a liking of Aga cookers compare with a liking of pre-emptive bombings and ignoring of the Geneva Convention and basic human rights?
The Guardian online is required daily reading for expatriates.
Creator of James Bond
Said to have experienced many of the adventures upon which the Bond novels were based.
Anyone who hasn't read the novels and has only seen the films has not lived and should take hourly cold baths until this sad state of affairs is corrected.
When Graham Greene died Kingsley Amis said 'The world has lost it's greatest living writer.'
The man for whom the phrase Greeneland was coined, wherein very bad people do very bad things and yet you feel strangely sorry for them.
Greeneland - not to be confused with the US political system where very bad people do very bad things and you hate them for it
OED A young person eager for radical change to the established order.
For establish order read the wearing of casual clothes
Who better than Sir Kingsley Amis to explain this one
1 huge slug bourbon whiskey (say 4 fl. Oz.)
1 level tea spoon castor sugar
As little hot water as will dissolve sugar completely
3 dashes Angastora bitters
1 hefty squeeze of fresh orange juice
1 teaspoon maraschino-cherry juice
1 slice orange
1 maraschino cherry
3 ice cubes
'Put the dissolved sugar into a glass, add the bitters, the juices and whiskey, and stir furiously. Add the ice cubes and stir again. Lastly push the orange slice down alongside the ice, drop in the cherry, and serve.'
'You may supply drinking-straws if it is that sort of party.'
The Savoy Cocktail Book is more liberal in it's suggestions, but we're with Sir Kingsley on this one.
During our later forays and UNpleasantnesses, which weren't always quite as unpopular as the Crusades, it was necessary for chaps to take their furniture with them to ensure proper meals and shaving facilities. To prevent a chap's things getting bumped furniture was designed to be protected during transit often with brass corners and folding lids and covers.
It still looks rather nice and is considered preferable to a foam computer bag.
The Crusades were one of our earlier and less popular forays out into the wider world. We decided to pop over to Europe and the Middle East and engage in a spot of Unpleasantness with anyone who didn't wear the same hat as us or something. Either way it wasn't one of our finer moments and certainly didn't endear us to anyone. It did give us the Chivalric Knights though, but they grew long beards and didn't always look outside their Order for 'comfort.'
Did they have something to do with Public School traditions we wonder?
A loop of leather, rope or even plastic used to secure a neckerchief in place.
The sort of word people should use more often.
In order to raise money for local good causes Cubs and Scouts used to hold an annual Bob-a-Job week. During which they would knock on doors and cheerfully announce 'Bob-a-Job' in the hope of intimidating people into parting with money for odd jobs which they would do badly but with gusto.
A 'Bob' is literally a shilling, or five new pence, which is worth less than eff-all these days.
What with the increased cost of lager and fags surely 'Pound-a-Job' would be more appropriate, but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it
Hairy-legged, outdoors-loving, boyfriend-less, community minded leaders of local cub scout troops.
Prolonged exposure to these ladies has been known to have a marked impression on the pre-pubescent boys in their charge.
One of the Two Chaps had a bit of a thing for his Arkela when he was seven and he won't hear a word against her or her kind.
Someone once said 'Fashion is like a fickle mistress; if you do not devote yourself exclusively to her she will leave you and you will be doomed to failure'
Pretentious twaddle certainly, but has been known to work as a chat-up line in the long distant past. Apparently.
Antiseptic lotion that your mum puts on your knees or elbows when you fall off your bike and graze them
Apparently you can gargle with the stuff if you have a sore throat.
Or drink it if you're a boozer and trying to hide the fact
(OED) A scoundrel, a villain, a foul mouthed person.
See also: a Tory, a Republican, a Politician, a Daily Mail reader &cet.
If a chap ever announces to you 'I demand satisfaction' or 'I shall await your seconds' he is not asking for sexual favours or indeed expecting your cast-offs. He is in fact proposing a bout of fisticuffs that could spell an untimely end for either you or he.
In order to arrange this he would expect you send your seconds, or assistants, to him to make the necessary arrangements for the unpleasantness. Thus giving all concerned ample opportunity to make amends or leave the country before eyes need be blackened or blood shed.
Extremely soft leather gloves, carried by gentleman, worn by fakirs, and slapped across the face of blackguards prior to demanding satisfaction.
This joke first appeared on the Halls in the late 1920's in the repertoire of Norman 'Cheeky Chappie' Eckersthwaite and was the subject of an intervention by the Lord Chamberlain.
By 1940 the joke was in common everyday use in military hospitals under the '39, Commandeering and Martial Seizures (Jokes and Bon Mots) Act. By 1945 the joke formed part of a Marshall Plan exchange and was sighted regularly in the Catskills.
With the advent of the more permissive 1960s, the joke fell into disuse and was officially decommissioned as a complete embarrassment in June '68.
By 1978 the joke was in very poor condition, awaiting dismantling in a Newcastle scrapyard where it was spotted by a scriptwriter for the Granada sitcom 'Whoops, Vicar...My Neighbour's a Coon!!' (Now, fortunately, defunct).
In the hope of a resurgence, enormous quantities were invested in the joke throughout the 80's. Tragically, it was enormously overquoted in spite of its limited value in real terms and suffered an extremely hostile takeover by a group of 'Alternative Comedians' in 1989.
The joke has since been asset stripped and is available for private viewing, by appointment only, to academics and enthusiasts.
A small group of us are currently looking into its ironic/postmodern potential with a view to setting it up a National Monument with Millenium funding.
The Code Duello, covering the practice of dueling and points of honor, was "adopted at the Clonmel Summer Assizes, 1777, for the government of duellists, by the gentlemen of Tipperary, Galway, Mayo, Sligo and Roscommon, and prescribed for general adoption throughout Ireland" . The Code became popular in England and on the Continent with some slight variations (usually where Heidelburg rules took precedence). In America, the principal rules were followed though often with glaring deviations.
I. The first offence requires the first apology, though the retort may have been more offensive than the insult. Example: A tells B he is impertinent, etc. B retorts that he lies; yet A must make the first apology, because he gave the first offence, and (after one fire) B may explain away the retort by subsequent apology.
II. But if the parties would rather fight on, then, after two shots each (but in no case before), B may explain first and A apologize afterwards.
N.B. The above rules apply to all cases of offences in retort not of a stronger class than the example.
III. If a doubt exists who gave the first offence, the decision rests with the seconds. If they will not decide or cannot agree, the matter must proceed to two shots, or to a hit if the challenger requires it.
IV. When the lie direct is the first offence, the agressor must either beg pardon in express terms, exchange two shots previous to apology, or three shots followied by explanation, or fire on till a severe hit be received by one party or the other.
V. As a blow is strictly prohibited under any circumstances among gentlemen, no verbal apology can be received for such an insult. The alternatives, therefore, are: The offender handing a cane to the injured party to be used on his back, at the same time begging pardon, firing until one or both are disabled; or exchanging three shots and then begging pardon without the proffer of the cane.
N.B. If swords are used, the parties engage until one is well blooded, disabled, or disarmed, or until, after receiving a wound and blood being drawn, the aggressor begs pardon.
VI. If A gives B the lie and B retorts by a blow (being the two greatest offences), no reconciliation can take place till after two discharges each or a severe hit, after which B may beg A's pardon for the blow, and then A may explain simply for the lie, because a blow is never allowable, and the offence of the lie, therefore, merges in it. (See preceding rule.)
N.B. Challenges for undivulged causes may be conciliated on the ground after one shot. An explanation or the slightest hit should be sufficient in such cases, because no personal offence transpired.
VII. But no apology can be received in any case after the parties have actually taken their ground without exchange of shots.
VIII. In the above case no challenger is obliged to divulge his cause of challenge (if private) unless required by the challenged so to do before their meeting.
IX. All imputations of cheating at play, races, etc., to be considered equivalent to a blow, but may be reconciled after one shot, on admitting their falsehood and begging pardon publicly.
X. Any insult to a lady under a gentleman's care or protection to be considered as by one degree a greater offence than if given to the gentleman personally, and to be regarded accordingly.
XI. Offences originating or accruing from the support of ladies' reputations to be considered as less unjustifiable than any others of the same class, and as admitting of slighter apologies by the aggressor. This is to be determined by the circumstances of the case, but always favourably to the lady.
XII. No dumb firing or firing in the air is admissable in any case. The challenger ought not to have challenged without receiving offence, and the challenged ought, if he gave offence, to have made an apology before he came on the ground; therefore children's play must be dishonourable on one side or the other, and is accordingly prohibited.
XIII. Seconds to be of equal rank in society with the principals they attend, inasmuch as a second may either choose or chance to become a principal and equality is indispensable.
XIV. Challenges are never to be delivered at night, unless the party to be challenged intends leaving the place of offence before morning; for it is desirable to avoid all hot-headed proceedings.
XV. The challenged has the right to choose his own weapons unless the challenger gives his honour he is no swordsman, after which, however, he cannot decline any second species of weapon proposed by the challenged.
XVI. The challenged chooses his ground, the challnger chooses his distance, the seconds fix the time and terms of firing.
XVII. The seconds load in presence of each other, unless they give their mutual honours that they have charged smooth and single, which shall be held sufficient.
XVIII. Firing may be regulated, first, by signal; secondly by word of command; or, thirdly at pleasure, as may be agreeable to the parties. In the latter case, the parties may fire at their reasonable leisure, but second presents and rests are strictly prohibited.
XIX. In all cases a misfire is equivalent to a shot, and a snap or a non-cock is to be considered a misfire.
XX. Seconds are bound to attempt a reconciliation before the meeting takes place or after sufficieint firing or hits as specified.
XXI. Any wound sufficient to agitate the nerves and necessarily make the hand shake must end the business for that day.
XXII. If the cause of meeting be of such a nature that no apology or explanation can or will be received, the challenged takes his ground and calls on the challenger to proceed as he chooses. In such cases firing at pleasure is the usual practice, but may be varied by agreement.
XXIII. In slight cases the second hands his principal but one pistol, but in gross cases two, holding another case ready charged in reserve.
XXIV. When the second disagree and resolve to exchange shots themselves, it must be at the same time and at right angles with their principals. If with swords, side by side, with five paces' interval.
XXV. No party can be allowed to bend his knee or cover his side with his left hand, but may present at any level from the hip to the eye.
XXVI. None can either advance or retreat if the ground is measured. If no ground be measured, either party may advance at his pleasure, even to the touch of muzzles, but neither can advance on his adversary after the fire, unless the adversary steps forward on him.
N.B. The seconds on both sides stand responsible for this last rule being strictly observed, bad cases having occurred from neglecting it.
N.B. All matters and doubts not herein mentioned will be explained and cleared up by application to the Committee, who meet alternately at Clonmel and Galway at the quarter sessions for that purpose.
CROW RYAN, President.
JAMES KEOGH. AMBY BODKIN, Secretaries.
Concerning Oedipus. The legendary king who fell in love with his mother, killed his father and gave jobs to numberless psychoanalysts
Translates roughly as... 'If Allah wills it'.
A marvellously useful term of complete fatalism and one which has no direct English equivalent.
The nearest thing would be '...but on the other hand I might get hit by a number 73 bus tomorrow' - uttered in tones of sodden dejection by a clinical depressive with a strong Solihull accent.
Also, in the current climate, a term almost guaranteed to increase web traffic if only from US government sniffers.
(Lat) Thanks be to God.
The Royal Navy have a different toast for each day of the week
The original versions were...
Sunday: Absent friends and those at sea.
Monday: Our native land or King and country.
Tuesday: Our mothers or Health and wealth.
Wednesday: Ourselves or Our swords or Old ships.
Thursday: The King; honest men and bonnie lassies.
Friday: Fox hunting and old port or Ships at sea.
Saturday: Sweethearts and wives.
The current versions are...
Sunday: Absent friends.
Monday: Our ships at sea.
Tuesday: Our men.
Wednesday: Ourselves (the remark "since no one else is likely to think of us" usually follows the toast).
Thursday: A bloody war or a sickly season.
Friday: A willing foe and sea room.
Saturday: Sweethearts and wives ("may they never meet" is the popular rejoinder).
Which finally leads us to the 'Navy Grace'.
The selected Officer stands at the head of the table, bows his head and says...
"Thank God"
...and dining may commence
The Routemaster is the fast disappearing traditional London bus distinguished by the open footplate at the back from which eager young people have traditionally hung to symbolise carefree youth in any movie featuring Swinging London.
See: Cliff Richard in Summer Holiday (if you dare).
Offers the same cheap cinematic shorthand as...
Scooter :- Rome
Yellow Taxi :- New York City
Idiotic stretch limo :- Los Angeles
Datsun with failing brakes, no door linings and fake insurance :- Anywhere South of the Thames