A glorious country house in Wiltshire now used as a private members club, sister to Soho House in London and New York.
First settled in the 12th Century it enjoys rolling grounds, classic architecture, luxurious period details and cutting edge technology to ensure guests have everything they could dream of.
Babbington House even offers professional hairdryers in guest's rooms.
Oh and a shed load of gakked-up Soho dickheads.
But then you can't have everything can you?
Whitening paste used on cricket pads and gym shoes before they were designed to be discarded and replaced if soiled by actual sport.
Ne'er do wells who hang around in gangs and behave unsportingly.
Though their ire is predominantly directed at rivals the repercussions often affect the innocent and as such they are not Gentlemen.
Entirely unfamiliar with either the Queensbury rules or the Code Duello.
It is true to say that the spiritual home of the bespoke suit is Savile Row. However there are some unsavoury types who have trouble leaving their natural habitat of Bethnal Green in the East End of London. As a result there are tailors in that quarter who cater to their special needs. For instance a cosh pocket under the arm, that is a hidden pocket in which a gent can keep his weapon, or mobile phone.
There is a certain swagger that an East End suit bestows that would not be appropriate for a Savile Row suit.
Examples of both can be seen during the more important trials at the Old Bailey. The reader can decide on which side of the law each would appear.
There are two kinds of men. Gentlemen whose cuff buttons unfasten. And men whose do not.
A Gentleman does not advertise the fact. Parading round with cuff buttons unfastened is worse than having fake buttonholes.
A Gentleman would sooner walk round with his fly undone than his jacket cuffs.
This is not an arbitrary rule.
Nor is it difficult to remember.
It is simply known.
British policemen and policewomen walk a beat, that is a specific path, around their neighbourhood. Along the way they stop to ruffle the hair of small children, have cups of tea, help little old ladies across roads and say ''Ello, 'Ello, 'Ello what's going on 'ere then?' in Northern or cockney accents.
They carry truncheons instead of guns and American film makers seem to think that for a scene set in England to be authentic they need only put a Bobby in it, no matter how utterly improbable (Bobbies on planes etc.). See also Double Decker Routemaster Buses and Red Telephone Boxes.
Bobbies are sometimes called other names but we can't think of any of them just at the moment.
In order to raise money for local good causes Cubs and Scouts used to hold an annual Bob-a-Job week. During which they would knock on doors and cheerfully announce 'Bob-a-Job' in the hope of intimidating people into parting with money for odd jobs which they would do badly but with gusto.
A 'Bob' is literally a shilling, or five new pence, which is worth less than eff-all these days.
What with the increased cost of lager and fags surely 'Pound-a-Job' would be more appropriate, but it doesn't have quite the same ring to it
(OED) A scoundrel, a villain, a foul mouthed person.
See also: a Tory, a Republican, a Politician, a Daily Mail reader &cet.
The colour of Jaguars, Bentleys, Mini Coopers and other British cars, particularly when competing in, and of course winning, motor races
The correct colour for a Gentleman's automobile or 'motor' as they are known amongst the Crombie wearing criminal classes
The Two Chaps both have motors of this hue.
A pretty Victorian seaside town on the south coast of England, Bournemouth has some of the finest beaches in Europe, though it isn't always sunny.
In fact quite often it pisses down with rain
Very popular with pensioners, it is said people retire to Bournemouth to die then forget to.
Scousers also go to Bournemouth, to nick things and sell drugs, allegedly.
The Two Chaps both had a very pleasant time growing up in Bournemouth and along the way met some very nice old people, and some Scousers who didn't nick things or sell drugs, allegedly.
The standard cooker in student flats.
Featuring three burners that, combined, make a Bic lighter look like a burning oilrig, an oven that incubates cockroaches perfectly and an all-over crust of congealed paleolithic soup.
A tartan of green on midnight blue
Named for the Black Watch - Her Majesty's 42nd Royal Highland Regiment
One of the oldest regiments in the British Army the Black Watch were originally formed to keep the somewhat lively Highlanders in check, the sort of thing Plod does now
The name comes from Black (meaning bad) and Watch (meaning to spy on)
An example of the Black Watch regiment's history;
Two platoons were en route for a Little Unpleasantness in South Africa when their ship struck a rock and broke in two. The ship's crew told the men their only hope lay in swimming for the lifeboats. However their officers pointed out that if they did so they would endanger the women and children already in the lifeboats. The men of the Black Watch stood firm in their ranks.
A Gentleman does not forget this when wearing Black Watch
Bring me sunshine,
In your smile,
Bring me laughter,
All the while
The theme song of Morecambe and Wise
For many years Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise were the funniest men on television
Their star still shines brightly
'Get the tea Ern' was one of Eric's finest lines
Filly, Crumpet, Bird, Frippet, Totty &cet.
Not to be confused with the Old Ball and Chain
(At least not within earshot anyway)
You may think that a fried breakfast is something that doesn't need a recipe but I guarantee that if you follow this one you'll never regret it.
1. Wake up in a Georgian country house with a hangover of biblical proportions. Slide your arm from beneath the slender alabaster neck of the recumbent debutante and silently pick your way through the detritus of last night's party to the kitchen.
2. As soft golden sunlight arcs low across the paddock and gilds the chromework of the Aga like melted butter, find a big pan.
3. Heat an unconscionable quantity of oil to a gentle simmer and slip in the freshly made local sausages. Sausages should not be pricked and never fried. The intention is that they should poach in the oil.
4. As the sausages poach make tea. If it is a proper farmhouse there will be a gigantic 'Brown Betty' teapot of the type used to fortify British battalions throughout the last Great Unpleasantness. Add a spoonful of leaf tea (need we mention the sordid subject of bags?) for each person and 'one for the pot'. At this point the kettle will start its song, beginning the process of gently awakening the recovering partygoers. Pour the water over the leaves. The tea serves the same purpose to a hungover Englishman that chicken soup serves to a Jewish New Yorker with a headcold and hives. This is not cooking...it's an emergency clinical intervention. An Englishman's mother will offer him tea as first response medical aid even if his arm has been severed by a combine harvester.
5. Move the sausages to the warming oven, pour off all but a light glazing of the oil and begin to brown the bacon. Much has been written about good bacon and I do not propose to repeat it. Suffice it to say...smoked...streaky...thin...crisp. Place in the warming oven when done.
6. Open a can of Heinz baked beans -accept no substitute- these are not so much a foodstuff as an architectural element of the finished plate. Think of beans as colour and a concealer of disheartening flashes of empty plate between meats.
7. Mushrooms and tomatoes may be grilled at this stage but no gentleman would consider eating them. They are vegetables. Vegetables are a form of table decoration. They aren't food - they go next to food. As the great Dr Johnson should have said 'Vegetables are what food eats' and I have no intention of disagreeing.
8. Americans eat hash browns at breakfast. Theay are disagreeable to an Englishman. I understand that the French, who can make food out of almost anything, use them to sole espadrilles.
9. There are many different ways to cook eggs but most of them are purely of interest to invalids, children and the feeble-minded. The correct or 'proper English egg' is fried with lightly browned edges in the fat left over from the bacon. At the last minute, oil is flicked over the top of the yolk to seal it. This dangerous procedure causes the yolk to form a perfect, golden, viscid capsule, the violation of which with a rough shard of toast, is the nearest that an Englishman will permit himself to unbridled sexual ecstasy.
10. While the eggs are being coaxed into tumescence the first of the walking wounded will have arrived in the kitchen. Ignore the bashful looks and tousled hair and administer tea in large quantities. Mugs enable fingers to thaw and many a tryst has been sealed by a coy glance over the chipped china rim. The more robust may be set to the simple task of toast.
11. Working quickly, lay down toast, top with an egg, flank with bacon and sausage and fill the spaces with beans. Serve forth.
The Bell-End is the bulbous tip of the protuberance. You know...
The Old Chap.
The Tallywhacker.
Little Winston.
The One-eyed Trouser Snake.
The Gentleman's Downstairs
Tadger.
Pego.
Fowling-Piece.
Kidney-nudger.
Good Lord... Do I have to spell it out?
Affectionate abbreviation for the British Broadcasting Corporation
Fondly lampooned by the English for being 'establishment', quietly considered a bastion of integrity
Worshipped by English ex-pats for not being fanatically right-wing, religious fundamentalist, xenophobic Bush sycophants with fake teeth and Stepford brains, unlike the domestic product, which are
Not owned by Murdoch or any other American Corporation, see above
Can be relied upon to report the news and make some other televisual entertainment
See also; World Service
De rigeur at school where the last period on Friday was for unregulated study,
Anyone not a 'poof' (at Grammar School!?) was obliged to sneak off early whether they wanted to or not