Imagine the wrestler Giant Haystacks being put in charge of Disneyland and pronouncing the name of the place Duz-Ner-Lund.
Money grabbing right wing fools on the West Coast of America have chosen as their leader a barely literate sexual molester with his 'brains' in his biceps. Similar to the Idiot-in-Chief but with muscles.
'I'll be back,' you managed to say.
Well we sincerely hope you won't.
Pioneered by East End tailors the cosh pocket is built into a tailored suit or coat under the arm to enable the wearer to carry a cosh without it being apparent to the rozzers and without ruining the line of his suit.
A gentleman can spot the tell tale bulge at ten paces but does not hold it against the wearer, for fear he might get coshed.
There are a couple of things that the wider world should make itself aware of re: Christmas. And by wider world we don't mean the Commonwealth because they already get it.
1. Christmas crackers. Rolled up shiny paper, not unlike a loo roll holder wrapped in tin foil, which when pulled between two celebrants breaks in two and emits a loud SNAP. Contained therein are an hilarious 1970's (crap) joke, a (crap) toy for children and animals to get stuck in their throats, and a jolly paper party hat that is to be worn throughout the duration of the Christmas meal, with no exceptions. Not that difficult is it?
2. Boxing Day. Civilised societies do not go to work on the day after Christmas Day. This is not a religious dictum, it is social. Boxing Day is the day when families box up possessions that have been superseded by the previous day's gifts and pass these cast-offs onto the less fortunate. Furthermore Christmas Day can sometimes present the kind of challenge that can only be overcome by copious consumption of electric soup, a Chap needs a day to get over this.
God's own food. See also Heinz Baked Beans.
Pastry wrapped around meat, potato and vegetables. The pastry is folded around the filling and crimped to from a single line of crust over the top.
Created in Cornwall by wives for their husbands' to eat while down the mines. The thick line of crust enabled the miners to eat the filling without touching it with their dirty hands (no porcelain sinks and Body Shop liquid soap down t'pit). The crusts could then be discarded. Though if you've washed your hands and you happen to have a knife and fork (and know how to use them, America) then the crust is as good as the rest and certainly not to be wasted.
Not to be confused with Cornish Pasty Shoes from Clarks
OED - A free association of the UK with certain independent states (originally subj. to Britain) and dependencies which all acknowledge the British Monarch as its Head
Including our friends in Canada, Australia, South Africa, New Zealand and many other countries who all did the right thing immediately during the First and Second Little Unpleasantnesses.
During our later forays and UNpleasantnesses, which weren't always quite as unpopular as the Crusades, it was necessary for chaps to take their furniture with them to ensure proper meals and shaving facilities. To prevent a chap's things getting bumped furniture was designed to be protected during transit often with brass corners and folding lids and covers.
It still looks rather nice and is considered preferable to a foam computer bag.
The Code Duello, covering the practice of dueling and points of honor, was "adopted at the Clonmel Summer Assizes, 1777, for the government of duellists, by the gentlemen of Tipperary, Galway, Mayo, Sligo and Roscommon, and prescribed for general adoption throughout Ireland" . The Code became popular in England and on the Continent with some slight variations (usually where Heidelburg rules took precedence). In America, the principal rules were followed though often with glaring deviations.
I. The first offence requires the first apology, though the retort may have been more offensive than the insult. Example: A tells B he is impertinent, etc. B retorts that he lies; yet A must make the first apology, because he gave the first offence, and (after one fire) B may explain away the retort by subsequent apology.
II. But if the parties would rather fight on, then, after two shots each (but in no case before), B may explain first and A apologize afterwards.
N.B. The above rules apply to all cases of offences in retort not of a stronger class than the example.
III. If a doubt exists who gave the first offence, the decision rests with the seconds. If they will not decide or cannot agree, the matter must proceed to two shots, or to a hit if the challenger requires it.
IV. When the lie direct is the first offence, the agressor must either beg pardon in express terms, exchange two shots previous to apology, or three shots followied by explanation, or fire on till a severe hit be received by one party or the other.
V. As a blow is strictly prohibited under any circumstances among gentlemen, no verbal apology can be received for such an insult. The alternatives, therefore, are: The offender handing a cane to the injured party to be used on his back, at the same time begging pardon, firing until one or both are disabled; or exchanging three shots and then begging pardon without the proffer of the cane.
N.B. If swords are used, the parties engage until one is well blooded, disabled, or disarmed, or until, after receiving a wound and blood being drawn, the aggressor begs pardon.
VI. If A gives B the lie and B retorts by a blow (being the two greatest offences), no reconciliation can take place till after two discharges each or a severe hit, after which B may beg A's pardon for the blow, and then A may explain simply for the lie, because a blow is never allowable, and the offence of the lie, therefore, merges in it. (See preceding rule.)
N.B. Challenges for undivulged causes may be conciliated on the ground after one shot. An explanation or the slightest hit should be sufficient in such cases, because no personal offence transpired.
VII. But no apology can be received in any case after the parties have actually taken their ground without exchange of shots.
VIII. In the above case no challenger is obliged to divulge his cause of challenge (if private) unless required by the challenged so to do before their meeting.
IX. All imputations of cheating at play, races, etc., to be considered equivalent to a blow, but may be reconciled after one shot, on admitting their falsehood and begging pardon publicly.
X. Any insult to a lady under a gentleman's care or protection to be considered as by one degree a greater offence than if given to the gentleman personally, and to be regarded accordingly.
XI. Offences originating or accruing from the support of ladies' reputations to be considered as less unjustifiable than any others of the same class, and as admitting of slighter apologies by the aggressor. This is to be determined by the circumstances of the case, but always favourably to the lady.
XII. No dumb firing or firing in the air is admissable in any case. The challenger ought not to have challenged without receiving offence, and the challenged ought, if he gave offence, to have made an apology before he came on the ground; therefore children's play must be dishonourable on one side or the other, and is accordingly prohibited.
XIII. Seconds to be of equal rank in society with the principals they attend, inasmuch as a second may either choose or chance to become a principal and equality is indispensable.
XIV. Challenges are never to be delivered at night, unless the party to be challenged intends leaving the place of offence before morning; for it is desirable to avoid all hot-headed proceedings.
XV. The challenged has the right to choose his own weapons unless the challenger gives his honour he is no swordsman, after which, however, he cannot decline any second species of weapon proposed by the challenged.
XVI. The challenged chooses his ground, the challnger chooses his distance, the seconds fix the time and terms of firing.
XVII. The seconds load in presence of each other, unless they give their mutual honours that they have charged smooth and single, which shall be held sufficient.
XVIII. Firing may be regulated, first, by signal; secondly by word of command; or, thirdly at pleasure, as may be agreeable to the parties. In the latter case, the parties may fire at their reasonable leisure, but second presents and rests are strictly prohibited.
XIX. In all cases a misfire is equivalent to a shot, and a snap or a non-cock is to be considered a misfire.
XX. Seconds are bound to attempt a reconciliation before the meeting takes place or after sufficieint firing or hits as specified.
XXI. Any wound sufficient to agitate the nerves and necessarily make the hand shake must end the business for that day.
XXII. If the cause of meeting be of such a nature that no apology or explanation can or will be received, the challenged takes his ground and calls on the challenger to proceed as he chooses. In such cases firing at pleasure is the usual practice, but may be varied by agreement.
XXIII. In slight cases the second hands his principal but one pistol, but in gross cases two, holding another case ready charged in reserve.
XXIV. When the second disagree and resolve to exchange shots themselves, it must be at the same time and at right angles with their principals. If with swords, side by side, with five paces' interval.
XXV. No party can be allowed to bend his knee or cover his side with his left hand, but may present at any level from the hip to the eye.
XXVI. None can either advance or retreat if the ground is measured. If no ground be measured, either party may advance at his pleasure, even to the touch of muzzles, but neither can advance on his adversary after the fire, unless the adversary steps forward on him.
N.B. The seconds on both sides stand responsible for this last rule being strictly observed, bad cases having occurred from neglecting it.
N.B. All matters and doubts not herein mentioned will be explained and cleared up by application to the Committee, who meet alternately at Clonmel and Galway at the quarter sessions for that purpose.
CROW RYAN, President.
JAMES KEOGH. AMBY BODKIN, Secretaries.
A thick slice of meat usually attached to a rib. Can be enjoyed in the Quality Chop House and other fine gaffs
Also; getting the chop - the act of being fired
Also; chop some out - the act of crushing and refining cocaine into lines for nasal inhalation
Also; karate chop - what little boys threaten to do before being swatted aside by bigger boys
A peculiar form of torture visited upon little boys by their school masters.
On only the coldest of winter days when show is falling and ice hangeth from stout oaks, little boys are forced to don skimpy shorts and singlets and run around rural areas until their fingers turn blue, drop off and are eaten by wolves.
The masters meanwhile sip tea and whisky from thermos flasks and threaten their charges with six of the best should they not put their all into the torture. Six of the best frequently being preferable to hypothermia young boys learn to look forward to the cane with eager anticipation.
On School Sports Day the route is lined by older boys and prefects who smoke, swear and misdirect the little lads while planning which of them they want to convert.
Like so many other English schoolboy activities cross country running plays havoc with the buttocks
It is a remarkable fact that seemingly every town in the UK has several Chinese restaurants. They seem to be constantly open and be consistent in their menu in a way that makes McDonalds seem creative and fickle.
The term 'Chinkie' has become so ubiquitous a descriptor for these places as to surpass racist overtones.
People who favour dread-locked hair and a reluctance to wash though interestingly there is no evidence that the first Crusties were French
Natural habitats include caravans, trees and folk music festivals
Fond of playing the didgeridoo, tugging dogs along on rope, smoking pot and drinking cider
Prefer living with animals rather than eating them
Generally harmless, especially if stoned
Home of Rolls Royce and Bentley, two of the World's Finest Motor Cars
Makers of aeroplane engines used extensively during the Second Little Unpleasantness
Now owned by the Chippy Bombers
Own goal.
The leather of choice for the interiors of the World's Finest Cars
Connolly give their off-cuts to certain slippery Italian upstart car company's who seem to paint all their cars red, or rosso
Connolly have recently begun making small leather goods currently favoured by the Chaps
Manufacturer of overcoats to the gentry and well-dressed suede-heads
Suitable for concealing coshes, hip flasks and the racing results the correct Crombie is black or occasionally navy blue with a scarlet lining and matching pocket square
It should have a black velvet collar, a detail originally added by English Gentlemen to show sympathy with their over-fed French friends who were losing their heads during an Unpleasantness with their peasantry, who apparently were reluctant to eat cake, and use soap
A Crombie is short enough that a chap can swing into the seat of his Jag without having to deal with yards of fabric beneath his posterior yet long enough to conceal a shotgun with only 6" hacksawed off the barrel.
Strangely this useful fact is not mentioned anywhere on their website.
The venerable company of Messrs J and J Crombie of Leeds have been helping to keep Gentleman warm since 1805
The word Crombie has become eponymous with any old tat of a similar length
This is to be regretted
If a chap's overcoat is not from J and J Crombie then it is not a Crombie - it is merely a coat
Gentlemen should seek out false profits and expose them
Dr. Chang's Demon Powders.
The Devil's Dandruff.
Noser.
Chuff.
Bolivian Marching Powder.
Chazz.
Gakk.
All terms for cocaine or, as it is known in London, "amphetamine and lavatory cleaner"
The Combined Cadet Force is an institution favoured in British Grammar schools which prepares students for careers in Her Majesty's Armed Forces.
Better classes of school will have an OTC or Officer Training Corps which pretty much tells you all you need to know.
No matter how professional our forces become, the CCF is always trapped firmly in the era of National service. A weekly stint of drill, polishing a shared Boer war bolt action rifle followed by three hours of mapreading and Morse code.
Inherent in the structure of any school-based, voluntary, paramilitary organisation are the seeds of it's own downfall.
After the compulsory first year, intelligent people leave, disheartened by doing push-ups in puddles and wearing an ugly uniform made out of a kind of fibreglass and horsehair matting. Of course, promotion is dependent on more than a year's service.
...You'll have spotted the problem then...
Within three years, any CCF unit has become a self-fulfilling hotbed of sadistic bullying.
However, the certain knowledge that only the thick get promoted has served many ex-cadets well into later life.
Huge metal bolts used to hold beams together. They are forced into place using a combination of blows from a sledgehammer and mighty lunges at an enormous wrench.
Particularly unpleasant in this context.
Fine English shoes made in Northampton since 1873 Church's .
Until very recently Church's denoted a gentleman.
Alas just as with Jaguar, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin and others this venerable company has been taken over by foreign interlopers. By Spring 2003 the injection moulded soles had set in and what was once solid and English is now slippery and Italian.
Shoes designed before 1999 are still eminently acceptable
Germans.
So named for their habit of dropping bombs on purveyors of Fish and Chips during the Second Little Unpleasantness.
See also; Jerrys, Krauts, Goose Steppers, Huns, Fritz's, Bloody Germans and Sun Bed Stealers.
Awarded a very creditable second place in '66.
Possessors of uncanny ability to Make Trains to Run on Time.
Foreign owners of Rolls Royce and Bentley, see also Church's and Coventry's finest.
Jaguars have been manufactured in Coventry since 1935 and are the motor of choice for gangsters, Prime Ministers, Arthur Daley and one of the Two Chaps.
Coventry is famous for being bombed during the Second Little Unpleasantness, see Chippy Bombers.
It is thought that Jerry was jealous because Jaguars are better than Mercedes and Beamers, which is true.
Television program of the early nineties devoted to helicopter rides in pursuit of Blonde Swedish woman's bottom.
Apparently there was another point to the show but it was never clear.
Frankly speaking, not the finest specimen ever seen on the television.
See also; Nigella Lawson
Abbrev. of Compus Mentis meaning 'in control of one's mental faculties'
Best avoided with the help of regular doses of electric soup
Harry Cipriani opened a bar in Venice and sold very nice Bellinis.
Ernest Hemingway was a fan as was Frank Sinatra.
Ciprianis is now probably bigger than McDonalds and not much more inspiring.
The Bellinis continue to be excellent though.
Note - Do not mention the widely available p**mix in the presence of T