Gentleman's Dictionary and Usage

When was the last time you were offered an adjustable walking stick and encouraged to swagger up and down the length of an original Victorian shop to ascertain the correct length for your new umbrella? Founded in 1857 James Smith and Sons on New Oxford Street in London have been keeping English men and women dry and giving them something to lean on for generations.

They were one of the first companies to use the Fox frame, that is the wire frame that all umbrellas use, and they offer over seventy different types of wood. All this in a shop that has remained almost unchanged for 140 years.

Jealous of the bamboo handle on your lady friend's Gucci bag? Get a Whangee handled city umbrella and leave her in the shade, or indeed rain. Worried about having to fend off unwanted approaches? Get a solid English Apple wood umbrella that isn't only good for beating your way through bracken. Fancy the odd tipple and don't want to carry a flask? Keep it in your cane.

Whatever you do don't leave home without one, as it will rain, but the sun will come out tomorrow.

Posted by T at 06:30 PM | Permalink

Soho House.

A private members club famous for soggy carpets, something called the 'Brit Pack' and freshly wiped toilet lids.

Of its three locations only one is actually in Soho, but that's probably not unrelated to what precedes the frantic and frequent wiping of the toilet lids.

The Gentlemen have not been asked to become members though they confidently expect to be thrown out one day.

Posted by S at 05:14 PM | Permalink

Places devoutly to be avoided.

Nothing of any interest happens south of the river Thames or north of London's orbital motorway the M25.

One of the Chaps pays extra when flying across the United States to avoid crossing the Mid West and running the risk of a forced landing followed by being buggered by an itinerant one-eyed buck toothed redneck who'd then marry the Chap to his father and brother simultaneously even though the aforementioned is already married to them. Or something.

Posted by S at 04:33 PM | Permalink

Forties Cromarty Forth Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight

The Shipping Forecast from the British Broadcasting Corporation is unintelligible to ordinary human beings. Even the Two Chaps, Englishmen with sailing in their blood, can make neither head nor tale of it. That does not diminish it's beauty.

It is clear that when the various shipping areas surrounding the United Kingdom were named those doing the naming were high as kites. Thus we have Dogger off the North East coast. And beyond Dogger we have German Bight. The list goes on.

It is rumoured that the names are intentionally misleading to prevent Johnnie bloody foreigner from invading in little boats with his cheap wine and fags.

Though this is doubted by the Chaps who quite like French wine.

Listening to he Shipping News on a short wave radio, or indeed via their website, is a rare delight and should be enjoyed regularly for its calming effect.

www.bbc.co.uk/weather/ukweather/shipping.shtml

Posted by S at 03:20 PM | Permalink

England or more specifically London. As in the Seat of the Empire.

Posted by S at 08:45 PM | Permalink

The Crusades were one of our earlier and less popular forays out into the wider world. We decided to pop over to Europe and the Middle East and engage in a spot of Unpleasantness with anyone who didn't wear the same hat as us or something. Either way it wasn't one of our finer moments and certainly didn't endear us to anyone. It did give us the Chivalric Knights though, but they grew long beards and didn't always look outside their Order for 'comfort.'

Did they have something to do with Public School traditions we wonder?

Posted by S at 08:33 PM | Permalink

If a chap ever announces to you 'I demand satisfaction' or 'I shall await your seconds' he is not asking for sexual favours or indeed expecting your cast-offs. He is in fact proposing a bout of fisticuffs that could spell an untimely end for either you or he.

In order to arrange this he would expect you send your seconds, or assistants, to him to make the necessary arrangements for the unpleasantness. Thus giving all concerned ample opportunity to make amends or leave the country before eyes need be blackened or blood shed.

Posted by S at 01:14 AM | Permalink

Designating a fine variety of cotton, Gossypium Barbadense, distinguished by long silky fibres.

Originally grown on islands off the coast of Georgia and South Carolina, Sea Island cotton was rushed to Jermyn Street for the making of Gentlemen's fine shirts and heliotrope striped pyjamas.

It has come to The Chaps' attention that some upstart clothing companies are claiming to use Sea Island cotton for something called ready-made.

Sea Island Cotton shirts come from Jermyn Street.

Anything else, from anywhere else, is just a bloody shirt.

Posted by S at 08:38 PM | Permalink

What, according to Fleming, James Bond's socks were made of.

Posted by T at 08:33 PM | Permalink

Carpet munching.

Bean flicking.

Yodelling in the canyon.

Wearing sensible shoes.

A practise beloved of husky gym mistresses in stout tweeds and the inhabitants of the Isle of Lesbos.

Oh for Heaven's Sake! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Actually, I think I have some Polaroids somewhere.

Posted by T at 08:20 PM | Permalink

See: Old Ball and Chain

Posted by S at 04:05 PM | Permalink

Americans have a ghastly habit of referring to the Second World War as WW2.

There are several possible reasons for this...

a) Surely it can't have been a 'World' war if they weren't involved 'til the end.

b) As they won it for everyone else they can call it whatever silly acronym they like.

c) Perhaps they know about other World Wars that we don't. Somebody should tell them that 'Invasion Earth' was just a movie.

Posted by T at 08:51 PM | Permalink

A particularly fine wool cloth used for making Gentleman's suits

A true Gentleman can tell the cloth of a Chap's suit over the telephone

Allows a Chap to recline ad infinitum and, when finally roused, to appear fresh as a daisy

Noticeably useful after a good lunch

Posted by S at 08:22 PM | Permalink

Pronounced 'Shpectah' the Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion were the evil adversaries of James Bond.

Essential tools with which to combat SPECTRE include Newport Pagnell's Finest and Trickers or Church's

Posted by S at 08:17 PM | Permalink

The weapon of choice of the English football hooligan.

The 'Stanley' knife, known to Americans as the more prosaic 'Box Cutter', has become favoured for it's ability to cause horrific looking injuries and unpleasant scarring with little or no possibility of actual death.

Our American cousins have difficulty understanding a culture which finds fighting entertaining but baulks at killing. This explains a great deal.

There is an almost legendary 'upgrade' to the 'Stanley' where two blades are fitted into the handle side by side. This removes a thin strip of skin, makes repair more difficult and ensures maximum scarring.

It is important to reiterate that the Two chaps do not condone violence in any form and include this section purely for information.

A chap would never resort to hitting another chap. He would merely pay a third chap to do it for him.

Posted by T at 08:40 PM | Permalink

See Electric Soup

Posted by T at 08:53 PM | Permalink

(Fr) Hairless, bald.

Or shaved.

Enough said.

Posted by S at 08:45 PM | Permalink

German word meaning to take pleasure from another's misfortune

Funny that.

See also - Chippy Bombers

Posted by S at 08:35 PM | Permalink

Without shirt (Fr)

All right for farm labourers and chaps you are about to wrestle at your club.

Elsewhere unacceptable.

Posted by S at 08:34 PM | Permalink